I Lost It at the Movies. And by "It," I Mean, "The Ability To Not Know What Zach Galifianakis Looks Like In Skin-Tight Briefs." Also, "My Soul."

Friends, I went to the movies yesterday! I went to see, specifically, a very terrible movie by the name of Observe & Report, about which I wrote a piece, and now I am missing $12, eighty-six minutes of my life, and a piece of my soul, but whatever, if I'm going to write about it, the one thing I want to do is to shut the terrible stupid faces of those who are always yelling that I "HAAAAVEN'T SEEEEEEEN the MOOOOOOOOOVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES" that I write specifically about not wanting to see.

Anyway! At Observe & Report, I saw the following previews:

1. Jim from The Office is dating that Maya Rudolph lady! He has a beard. They are both very bummed because they are thirty and have not "figured stuff out," like whether to get married or how to obtain actual paying jobs. Also, Maya Rudolph is pregnant. Also, Jim's parents, upon whom he relies, are going away, FOREVER, to Belgium. Therefore, they (Jim and Pregnant Maya Rudolph, not the parents) must go on a Cross-Country Journey of Discovery and Fun, and maybe they will ride a scooter while "The Only Living Boy in New York" plays and someone will have an epilepsy helmet and someone else will be killed, by a dishwasher, which is always sad. Probably, right? Because this film has a script BY DAVE EGGERS, yikes.

2. Zach Galifianakis is a total bro who likes to do bro-stuff with his bro-men whilst hanging out in his bro-derpants. (Bro + Underpants = THE JOKES ARE FUNNIER WHEN I EXPLAIN THEM, REALLY.) Bradley Cooper is some douche who is getting married. Andy from The Office is a dude with a girlfriend who thinks his friends are "immature," and he is like, "yes, they are, I am the token pussy-whipped character, but the twinkle in my eye suggests some WILD TIMES ahead for me, because maybe I yearn to escape your cruel reign of terror, Mommy-Lady." Anyway they all go to Vegas and have WILD TIMES that they can't remember because they were SO WASTED and then when they wake up Zach Galifianakis has a baby that he doesn't know where it came from and Andy from The Office got married to a hot lady (take that, Bad Mommy!) and Bradley Cooper's wife-to-be calls him and is like, "remember how we are getting married in five hours, maybe you want to do that," and he literally says the words, "that's not going to happen." He has priorities! Priorities relating, of course, to his bros.

3. Adam Sandler is going to die, and then he's not going to die, so he's in love with Leslie Mann instead, but she has a husband, but she fights with him. Seth Rogen is there, and he cries when Adam Sandler is dying, and Adam Sandler is like, "please, someone may mistake us for homosexuals," and then Seth Rogen has intimate whispered conversations with Adam Sandler, while Adam Sandler is in bed, with romantic lighting. This is "Funny People," the "third" "film" by Judd Apatow, and please note that it is the only Judd Apatow film thus far in this set of previews, which is funny, because he basically could have made any one of them.

4. Ryan Reynolds has a job! He is a personal assistant! To, get this, A LADY! She is Sandra Bullock, and she is very harsh and severe and wears her hair scraped back into a weird high ponytail and is suuuuuuuch a biiiiiiiiiiiitch to Ryan Reynolds. But, wait! She is also Canadian, and has to marry Ryan Reynolds so that she can stay "employed" and get that silly "raise" that women with careers care about so much more than babies or keeping a man satisfied. I have heard that all those bitches need is a good deep dicking and/or the lawful bonds of marriage, in order to soften up and learn the meaning of love, which is: putting up with bullshit from losers, as per The Movies. This movie would seem to be a scientific demonstration of that premise! Good news for everyone.

5. Oh, good, more Apatow! Jack Black is a caveman. Michael Cera is also a caveman. Michael Cera continues to be legitimately funny, which is really cramping my style, because considering the fact that he has (a) made some really bad movies, and (b) played the same dude in all of them, I don't want to like him any more, yet I do. Fortunately, there is that one documentary about how he fell in love with Charlyne Yi and also Seth Rogen was there and gave them meaningful advice, which just looks so cute and sweet and quirky and woozums and zurbies and oh my god, it is the Tweemageddon, RUNNNNNNN, so I get the feeling I won't have to like him any more after that. Anyway, Jack Black and Michael Cera are cavemen, except when they are in Ancient Rome for some reason, and at some point, a Caveman Dad says to Jack Black, "you may lie with my daughter, Lilith," and to Michael Cera, "and you may lie with my son, Seth." It is funny, because GAY, and also, if you think about it, RAPE, and with that, it is time for our showing of Observe & Report!

FINAL SCORES:
Number of Dudes Expressing Anxieties/Avoidance Issues re: Marriage/Commitment: 4
Number of Dudes Who Almost Certainly End Up Married Anyway: 4
Number of Dudes with Babies/Fetuses They Don't Know How to Deal With: 2
Number of Dudes Realizing the Value of Close Bro-Ships: 7
Judd Apatow Productions: 2
Gay Jokes: 2, both in Judd Apatow Productions
Number of Dudes Who Get Zany and Represent the Boyish Life Force which Resists/Is Crushed By/Can Never Really Be Crushed By the Adult/Female World: ALL OF THEM, are you kidding me?

Look, I know I am fixated on the movies lately, and you are like, "hey, cool it, Siskel and/or Ebert!" Someday - someday soon - I will address matters of consequence, I swear. However, it is imperative to note that I am not even kidding any more with this man-child business. It is everywhere. It is like the zombie virus in 28 Days Later that tormented Cillian Murphy, except if Cillian Murphy succumbed to it and was like, "it is a matter of great personal pride for me that I have filmed a movie in which I am in my underpants and eating Fruit Loops throughout," except that would never happen, because Cillian Murphy is actually kind of attractive, so it would have to be Zach Galifianakis to make sure the ladies have NO. FUN. AT ALL with the underpantsed scenes. We are living in the Bropocalypse. IT IS THE END OF DAYS. Two riders are approaching, and I'm pretty sure one of them is Seth Rogen, because the wind began to APATOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. And it smells like ganj.