Monday, May 4, 2009

I Lost It at the Movies. And by "It," I Mean, "The Ability To Not Know What Zach Galifianakis Looks Like In Skin-Tight Briefs." Also, "My Soul."

Friends, I went to the movies yesterday! I went to see, specifically, a very terrible movie by the name of Observe & Report, about which I wrote a piece, and now I am missing $12, eighty-six minutes of my life, and a piece of my soul, but whatever, if I'm going to write about it, the one thing I want to do is to shut the terrible stupid faces of those who are always yelling that I "HAAAAVEN'T SEEEEEEEN the MOOOOOOOOOVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES" that I write specifically about not wanting to see.

Anyway! At Observe & Report, I saw the following previews:

1. Jim from The Office is dating that Maya Rudolph lady! He has a beard. They are both very bummed because they are thirty and have not "figured stuff out," like whether to get married or how to obtain actual paying jobs. Also, Maya Rudolph is pregnant. Also, Jim's parents, upon whom he relies, are going away, FOREVER, to Belgium. Therefore, they (Jim and Pregnant Maya Rudolph, not the parents) must go on a Cross-Country Journey of Discovery and Fun, and maybe they will ride a scooter while "The Only Living Boy in New York" plays and someone will have an epilepsy helmet and someone else will be killed, by a dishwasher, which is always sad. Probably, right? Because this film has a script BY DAVE EGGERS, yikes.

2. Zach Galifianakis is a total bro who likes to do bro-stuff with his bro-men whilst hanging out in his bro-derpants. (Bro + Underpants = THE JOKES ARE FUNNIER WHEN I EXPLAIN THEM, REALLY.) Bradley Cooper is some douche who is getting married. Andy from The Office is a dude with a girlfriend who thinks his friends are "immature," and he is like, "yes, they are, I am the token pussy-whipped character, but the twinkle in my eye suggests some WILD TIMES ahead for me, because maybe I yearn to escape your cruel reign of terror, Mommy-Lady." Anyway they all go to Vegas and have WILD TIMES that they can't remember because they were SO WASTED and then when they wake up Zach Galifianakis has a baby that he doesn't know where it came from and Andy from The Office got married to a hot lady (take that, Bad Mommy!) and Bradley Cooper's wife-to-be calls him and is like, "remember how we are getting married in five hours, maybe you want to do that," and he literally says the words, "that's not going to happen." He has priorities! Priorities relating, of course, to his bros.

3. Adam Sandler is going to die, and then he's not going to die, so he's in love with Leslie Mann instead, but she has a husband, but she fights with him. Seth Rogen is there, and he cries when Adam Sandler is dying, and Adam Sandler is like, "please, someone may mistake us for homosexuals," and then Seth Rogen has intimate whispered conversations with Adam Sandler, while Adam Sandler is in bed, with romantic lighting. This is "Funny People," the "third" "film" by Judd Apatow, and please note that it is the only Judd Apatow film thus far in this set of previews, which is funny, because he basically could have made any one of them.

4. Ryan Reynolds has a job! He is a personal assistant! To, get this, A LADY! She is Sandra Bullock, and she is very harsh and severe and wears her hair scraped back into a weird high ponytail and is suuuuuuuch a biiiiiiiiiiiitch to Ryan Reynolds. But, wait! She is also Canadian, and has to marry Ryan Reynolds so that she can stay "employed" and get that silly "raise" that women with careers care about so much more than babies or keeping a man satisfied. I have heard that all those bitches need is a good deep dicking and/or the lawful bonds of marriage, in order to soften up and learn the meaning of love, which is: putting up with bullshit from losers, as per The Movies. This movie would seem to be a scientific demonstration of that premise! Good news for everyone.

5. Oh, good, more Apatow! Jack Black is a caveman. Michael Cera is also a caveman. Michael Cera continues to be legitimately funny, which is really cramping my style, because considering the fact that he has (a) made some really bad movies, and (b) played the same dude in all of them, I don't want to like him any more, yet I do. Fortunately, there is that one documentary about how he fell in love with Charlyne Yi and also Seth Rogen was there and gave them meaningful advice, which just looks so cute and sweet and quirky and woozums and zurbies and oh my god, it is the Tweemageddon, RUNNNNNNN, so I get the feeling I won't have to like him any more after that. Anyway, Jack Black and Michael Cera are cavemen, except when they are in Ancient Rome for some reason, and at some point, a Caveman Dad says to Jack Black, "you may lie with my daughter, Lilith," and to Michael Cera, "and you may lie with my son, Seth." It is funny, because GAY, and also, if you think about it, RAPE, and with that, it is time for our showing of Observe & Report!

Number of Dudes Expressing Anxieties/Avoidance Issues re: Marriage/Commitment: 4
Number of Dudes Who Almost Certainly End Up Married Anyway: 4
Number of Dudes with Babies/Fetuses They Don't Know How to Deal With: 2
Number of Dudes Realizing the Value of Close Bro-Ships: 7
Judd Apatow Productions: 2
Gay Jokes: 2, both in Judd Apatow Productions
Number of Dudes Who Get Zany and Represent the Boyish Life Force which Resists/Is Crushed By/Can Never Really Be Crushed By the Adult/Female World: ALL OF THEM, are you kidding me?

Look, I know I am fixated on the movies lately, and you are like, "hey, cool it, Siskel and/or Ebert!" Someday - someday soon - I will address matters of consequence, I swear. However, it is imperative to note that I am not even kidding any more with this man-child business. It is everywhere. It is like the zombie virus in 28 Days Later that tormented Cillian Murphy, except if Cillian Murphy succumbed to it and was like, "it is a matter of great personal pride for me that I have filmed a movie in which I am in my underpants and eating Fruit Loops throughout," except that would never happen, because Cillian Murphy is actually kind of attractive, so it would have to be Zach Galifianakis to make sure the ladies have NO. FUN. AT ALL with the underpantsed scenes. We are living in the Bropocalypse. IT IS THE END OF DAYS. Two riders are approaching, and I'm pretty sure one of them is Seth Rogen, because the wind began to APATOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. And it smells like ganj.


  1. I just wanted to tell you a random compliment-- I look forward to reading your blog and I'm happy that you update a lot!

    Actual post comment-- Haha, what a summation. It sounds like a bro-gasbord of trailers (as in a smorgasbord, heh). I don't get the whole Mommy-Lady trend. That is not hot. I guess it's the whole "don't want to grow up, but must have sex" thing that makes them want women who are just like their moms, except doable. And that is all they need to be. Bleh.

  2. I for one welcome your trenchant media analysis. Not only because it is funny, and it fills my heart with joy, but also because it is true, and because the movies have a profound and perhaps dangerous level of influence on society, thus directly impacting ladybusiness. Also, you are sparing me the torment of many films I might otherwise feel obliged to see.

  3. Hah! Not only are these all a steaming pile, but I am a Canadian and wish to point out that Sandra Bullock does not need to marry for a Green Card if she is ALREADY EMPLOYED IN THE UNITED STATES, because being employed in the United States is ONE OF THE MAJOR WAYS CANADIANS OBTAIN GREEN CARDS.

    Phew. Thank you for the platform to get this off my chest.

    P.S. I love your blog. I love your brain. Please continue to kick insane amounts of well-crafted satirical ass.

  4. Totally agree on the Michael Cera. But for his turn on Juno, I'll forgive him anything...

  5. The Tweemageddon! The Bropocalypse! Oh wow, I am loling very much right now.

  6. Wow! I googled all the dudes you mention because I did not know who they were, and on the first page of image results for "Cillian Murphy" was a picture of him dressed as a woman and looking totally hot. Also I would not object to a movie in which he appeared in his underpants. The Zach Galifianakis guy though, not so much. (Good Greek name though.) And Michael Cera appears to be about fourteen years old; is this accurate?

    OK, fuckability ratings over! Other than all that, this post reminds me of why I do not see movies very often, and thus do not know who these dudes are. Thank you for keeping an eye on it! I cast my vote selfishly for you not bothering to stop with the Siskel and Ebert stuff, because you are saving my pop-culture-illiterate self from having to look stuff up myself.

    However, I fear for the state of your brains. Please do not damage them; they are a treasure!

  7. See, this is why I get all my entertainment from gardening catalogues.

  8. I found your blog via a dollhouse link and now it's required daily reading. THANK YOU. You are providing a public service - at least, to me - so I don't feel all alone when I say that this Judd Apatow World depresses me. But at least your blogs make me laugh.

    Also, question. Dave Eggers, what is your take on him? Sometimes I like, sometimes I despair.

  9. I just discovered this blog last week and love. it. to. death. Seriously, I'm a grad student and wasted hours of precious dissertation time poring over your archives. I wish they went back further so I wouldn't have to work on this damn dissertation.

    Also, if you stop talking about movies so much, how will I know what not to waste my precious (see above) time and/or money on? I think that this arrangement is totally fair.

  10. emylie_bo_bemylieMay 4, 2009 at 9:29 PM

    I just want to make clear to you that I love your blog so hard!! It makes me laugh, it makes me cry, it makes me scream, it makes me vomit (metaphorically). Okay just to clarify, the laughing is from the awesome stuff you say, and the crying, screaming, and vomiting (metaphorically) are from the bad shit that you are eviscerating.

    And I totes dig the movie posts.

    And now to perhaps express something other than fawning sycophancy...

    I will instead express my condolences for the horrible suffering you have endured and for the loss of your soul. You have made great sacrifices and will be be rewarded in the (totally fictitious) feminist women-owned and operated (non-douchey men welcome) after-life Ladybusiness cosmic bowling alley and roller-rink.

  11. I, for one, welcome our new Sady overlord.

    I was so glad to have your review of the 40 year old virgin around to use, like a cross against a vampire, to protect me from my clueless friends who told me how hilarious the movie was.

    I am saddened that Michael Cera is involved with these misogynists. I have only seen him as a sweet guy in Juno and Nick and Nora's Infinte Playlist.

    How are you feeling about all the love your blog is getting?

  12. *wafts along on wave of deserved praise for Sady*

    *waves from her wafting position*

  13. a) movies are matters of consequence. My husband, for instance, had so internalized the pop culture that he thought Knocked Up was cute, and more or less accurate. This was pre-Tiger Beatdown, so I mostly flailed and cursed when I could have whipped out an awesome Sady-authored blog post. Your work is so valuable. Not just to lazy non-blog having schlubs like myself, but as a part of the greater femiblogosphere. Ladybusiness matters.

    b) For your Michael Cera needs, may I suggest Drunk History? I must say that my favorite in the series is definitely this one, though:

  14. @Suzanne: I haven't read Dave Eggers in a long while - and my lady politics were not really so defined when I DID read him - so maybe I shouldn't have taken the easy dig. If I recall, there are a lot of references to "hooking up" and "getting naked" and "convincing women to touch my penis," etc., your typical sexually-active-young-dude-who-is-sexually-active-and-also-has-some-sex stuff, but that's all I recall about him gender-wise. As a writer? He can be sentimental and cute, but I don't think he's the TERRIBLE PERNICIOUS INFLUENCE ON LITERATURE that some have called him. Mostly, when I see "Dave Eggers," I think of something that will be vaguely hip, but also really aggressively easy to love, which is why I made the "Garden State" reference, because I'm a dick. "Away We Go" does look like the movie in the bunch that I'd be most likely to actually watch. So. SORRY, MR. EGGERS.

    @raddad: It is kind of insane! I am totally honored by it, though. I'm glad that my slow, Internet-broadcast descent into madness has some value to the outside world. So, THANKS, is what I'm saying!

  15. Perhaps Jude Apatow, upon seeing the success of his earlier works, thought, hey, there are guys out there that don't like dealing with men-women relationships. They are hard, and complicated, and take much work. They are more interested in fart jokes and smoking out, because then they don't have to grow up. I shall lead them to the promised land via movies.

    I just realized that Jude Apatow is the Peter Pan for grown men. Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd et. al. are the modern day Lost Boys. Wonder which one is Tinkerbell? Perhaps Michael Cera.

    All the women in his movies are the ubiquitous Wendy-lady. Look at Katherine Keener in 40yr Old Virgin. Leslie Mann or Katherine Heigl could stand in for the role in Knocked Up. They all make the boys want their mamas, or stand in for their mamas. Lost Boys, indeed.

    Also, I'm glad I don't have to see Observe & Report in the name of Science! like you did.

  16. Worst line of the Sandler/Apatow trailer: Sandler as a stand-up comic, says "The one who got away...guys and serial killers both have the one who got away."

  17. Seriously, I love you more every day. Since it's the Bropocalypse, I figured I had to tell you before I am infected and become a Mommy Lady and/or Crazy Stupid Bitch.

  18. I saw an extended clip from that Jack Black movie, where it was Jack and Michael's "hunter" characters coming across Cain and Abel while incompetently trying to stalk a cow, and it was actually a pretty funny bit of comedy. The set-up was good, you didn't realize what was happening at first (that the rancher was Abel), and it was genuinely funny.

    So then I went looking for more of the movie and I clicked on the official trailer. CRINGE.

  19. Oh no! You paid money to see O&A? Next time you feel compelled to see something you don't want to contribute to, you might try to find a torrent download.
    The previews were probably all dudebro-centric because it was a dudebro movie. If you'd gone to see Bride Wars (please don't - you've suffered enough), all the previews would have been for movies made by dudes for ladies, like Confessions of a Shopaholic or some other tripe about how all ladies want to do is shop for shoes and plan their dream weddings.
    That Reynolds/Bullock one probably would have been in there though, because in that one both the dude and the lady are commitment-phobes who find love.
    One thing I will say for The Proposal however, Sandra Bullock is a whopping 12 years older than Ryan Reynolds. How often do you see that, eh? Normally, Bullock would be playing the role of Reynolds' mother. (Anne "Mrs. Robinson" Bancroft is only 6 years older than Dustin "whatsisface" Hoffman) AND it's directed by a lady! Anne Fletcher! I just looked it up! I might actually bother to see it just for these two rare occurrences (female romantic lead who's older than her male costar + lady-director) alone!

    Cillian Murphy would never involve himself in anything Apatovian, because Cillian Murphy is awesome. The world needs more Cillian Murphies. (evidence: Breakfast on Pluto)

  20. If you choose to spend money on Hollywood pornography, what do you expect?
    I suppose there are good accounting reasons that the bigger the media empire, the more it has to deal in stereotypes rather than reality. But none of them are any excuse for the insulting version of humanity on offer in most multiplexes.
    If they were honest, they would just call every movie 'Barbie 'n' Ken' and be done with it.

  21. If they were honest, they would just call every movie 'Barbie 'n' Ken' and be done with it.They can't, mostly because while Ken is anatomically inaccurate, he's outwardly good-looking, which would NEVER do in a dude-bro movie. Dude-bros MUST be schlubs of the highest (lowest? go with lowest) degree possible. They MAY NOT have so much as a gram of wit, charm, grace, respect or especially good looks. That would interfere with the fantasy of the dude-bro-ity.

    About the only thing Ken has in common with movie-style dude-bros* is that they can't keep a job while Barbie can basically do anything she wants to.


    *will NOT make the obvious joke here...will NOT...will NOT...oh, screw it, you know I mean "aside from the anatomical inaccuracies, that is"