Comedy! Banter! Graphic Rape Scenes!

Say, who likes dudes who use rape as a metaphor for any given experience? You do, you do! So, you are totally going to love this (extremely graphic and disturbing! If this sort of thing upsets you or gives you flashbacks, you should not read it! I rarely give these warnings, but I am serious about this one!) post on Gawker, from contributor The Cajun Boy, sent to me this morning by J. Mastodon:

[MY EXPERIENCE] is sort of like giving birth to a daughter, [WHO IS A METAPHOR FOR MY EXPERIENCE], a daughter that you raise and nurture with tremendous care, and then one day you bring her, beautiful, statuesque, perfect in your eyes, to the church to walk her down the aisle, where a dashing groom, [METAPHOR], is waiting to embrace her on the other end of the aisle. But just before the organist plays that "Here Comes the Bride" song so she can begin her walk down the aisle, out pops a herd of groomsmen, [METAPHORS], who proceed to throw your daughter down and violently gang-bang her in the back of the church, and by the time they're done with her she's bloody, beaten, and battered, almost completely unrecognizable to you, the person who raised her. Both of her eyes are swollen completely shut, one of her legs is broken, she can barely function at all, and then the very groomsmen, [I REMIND YOU: METAPHORS], who just finished violently raping her turn to you and say, "Okay, now make her walk down the aisle," and you, the person who conceived her, nurtured her and cared for her for all those years, has to walk with her as she hopelessly flounders her way down, and all the while you're hoping beyond hope that she a) makes it all the way down before completely collapsing and b) that her groom, [METAPHOR], isn't so freaked out by her when he sees how hideous she now looks that he turns and bolts out of the church.

Say, who can guess what this is a metaphor for? What human experience could be so profoundly scarring and terrible as to be morally and emotionally equivalent to this extended, graphic rape scene? Watching a loved one succumb to a drawn-out and painful illness? The effects of ground war, famine, or genocide on various countries? DEVELOPING A TV SHOW??????

Yep, it's that last one. As J. Mastodon notes, it's really the last line that sells it: you've really got to hope that this groom, who apparently loves your daughter enough to want to spend the rest of his life with her, won't be so "freaked out by her when he sees how hideous she now looks" that he abandons her. You know, because she's ugly now. From being raped and beaten.

As usual, Melissa McEwan makes the best point on the subject of rape metaphors. Her latest post on the subject is delight, and features a quote from a celebrity of the silver screen!

"I think the word raped gets thrown around far too casually. You ever listen to a bunch of guys playing video games with each other online? It's like, 'Ah man you shot me in the back dude. You raped me dude!' I'm pretty sure if I talked to a woman who's been through that horrific situation and I said, 'What was it like, you know, being raped?' she's not gonna look at me and go, 'Have you ever played Halo?'"—Dane Cook, in his new comedy special "Isolated Incident."

The other night, I turned on the television and the channel was still tuned to Comedy Central from watching "The Colbert Report" the night before. "Isolated Incident" was airing, and in the maybe 6 seconds it took me to change the channel, Cook said something racist, xenophobic, and sexist.

And even he gets that casually throwing around the word rape is inappropriate.

Which means that anyone who doesn't is a bigger douche than Dane Cook.

Yep. Gawker contributor The Cajun Boy, you have won this week's official Worse Than Dane Cook award. Enjoy it! And hey, maybe there's a reason your TV show didn't do so well? Anyway, here is what noted public asshole Dane Cook - who is morally superior to you, and also has a better sense of humor - thinks of your blog post:



Good luck, Chuck.