Wednesday, May 6, 2009

ADVICE! FOR DELETED COMMENTERS!

Friends, I got a comment this morning. It is from a gentleman named "Tom," who knows exactly how you need to deal with your rape trauma. That is, you need to stop having it! And think of TOM!

PLEASE, WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF TOM.

He has a three-million-word-long comment to that effect, which I have deleted, and only preserved the highlights, because I am figuring that his doctoral thesis, "ME ME ME, ME ME ME: ME!" is shortly to be published elsewhere and I don't want to hurt his sales or anything.

Anyway, his message to the world is as follows:
Seth Rogan's might not be the funniest guy in the world, but seriously, you people need to stop for a minute and consider what you are saying.
Consideration 64% complete... 87% complete... 99% complete... Consideration: ACCOMPLISHED. Turns out, I'm still right!
There are so many terrible things that exist today and happen to women, what makes you think that what is happening between 2 fictional adults in a shock humor comedy is important? Obviously (or maybe not?) everyone who watches it knows that Rogan is not insinuating anything, and is just trying to get a laugh.

Also, no one with half a brain thinks that a woman who dresses provocatively is "asking for it" regardless of what some die hard feminists might want you to think. However, thanks to said group, I'm literally scared to have sex with perfectly willing women, simply because I know that if she wakes up the next morning and snaps, she can just tell the police that I raped her. And you know what, I'll go to jail and get raped numerous times.
You know, Tom, there's a saying I learned at my momma's knee: "if a guy thinks that what he's doing to you might possibly be construed as rape, and he does it anyway, that dude's a fucking rapist." Me, personally, I don't have sex with people unless I can tell they're all there, and they are actively and enthusiastically requesting sex, and also super-into my sexual advances. They basically have to be like, "oh! My goodness! I would certainly like to have sex with you! Please continue with your sexual advances! I am totally excited to be having sex right now, with you, because that is what I would very much like to be doing," in order for me to be OK with the process, and yes, I apologize for getting you hot and bothered with this extremely graphic sexual talk of mine.

Your process is, apparently, a bit different! Apparently, you either (a) routinely have sex with people who are too wasted to give consent, or (b) distrust all women to the degree that you believe them to be maniacs who go and get rape kits, press charges, pay for lawyers, and go through the victim-smearing and harassment rape trials inevitably bring on, just for the fun of you facing a mild possibility (MILD, given how rarely actual rape convictions are handed down) of jail time!
Another thing, why is it always up to the guy to stay sober enough to stop the act? If I go home with a girl after drinking, and we both have sex wasted as hell, she can wake up and say that she didn't want it. Then I go to jail. Where does that seem right at all? How about don't get drunk enough to agree to sex with a random stranger unless you are prepared to accept the consequences? That's how you "ask for it".
Hmmm, first a statement about how no-one believes a woman can "ask for it," because only MONSTERS believe that. Next, a statement about how women "ask for it!" Exciting! Are you, perhaps, possessed by demons, Tom? Are you Sibyl? Is your name Legion? Don't be afraid to share!

You can tell me whatever stories you want about how terrible life is since you got raped, and I'm sure a lot of you had it rough and I'm sincerely sorry. I hope you can grow to move on with your life. But for the rest of you who either were not raped, or are (dare I say it) slightly over exaggerating, honestly, you're being really naive. Much worse things happen every day and much worse things are put into movies every day, and sitting here troubling yourself with a fictional rape will not solve anything.
I love Tom, so much, you guys. First, several paragraphs about how scared he is that some woman might just accuse him of rape, which he in no way deserves, cause he's not, like, incapable of distinguishing rape from consent or anything. Next, a statement about how women who speak out about their own experiences of rape are "exaggerating," because, as everyone knows, it's not like a sexual act can take place either (a) with consent, or (b) without consent, in which case it is rape. Nope! Tom thinks it's totes possible that you DID consent, and just were not in any way aware of that happening, because as we all know consent does not mean "to explicitly give permission"; it means, "anything short of fighting a dude off with a Samurai sword." Finally, and most precious of all, Tom notes that he is "scared" of having sex due to the unfortunate fact that rape is illegal and if he is found guilty of it in a court of law he might have to do time in jail.

Tom. My darling. A word of advice for you: if you are scared enough to never, ever, ever have or attempt sex again? That would be a very good thing.


36 comments:

  1. Dear Sady,

    Been lurking here for a week or two, and I just had to tell you that your writing makes my heart smile.

    (TOM's writing, however, makes my heart barf.)

    Keep up the good work!

    Sincerely,
    Jeannie

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  2. I love this! I love Tom! I love this:

    "But for the rest of you who either were not raped, or are (dare I say it) slightly over exaggerating, honestly, you're being really naive. Much worse things happen every day and much worse things are put into movies every day, and sitting here troubling yourself with a fictional rape will not solve anything."

    . . . because it really doesn't make clear whether Tom's "fictional rape" is that portrayed on Stage & Screen or YOUR PERSONAL PAST RAPE.

    I'd love to see someone who can accomplish the feat of "slightly over exaggerating" rape. What do you say, "He raped me, and then, he forced me to watch Seth Rogen raping a lady in a hilarious bro comedy! Oh, fine, you got me. ALL HE DID WAS RAPE ME."

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  3. i, too, am a lurker, and i, too, love your blog a lot.

    thanks for ridiculing so much bad patriarchy stuff so well.

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  4. There are worse things happening in the world. Like... things that happen to MEN! How dare you.

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  5. Thank you for posting this, and thank you Tom, you opened my eyes, I "literally" never thought about it like that before, I just swallowed the whole "rape is a serious problem" line.. but I never thought that kind of thinking.. affects.. MEN.. that they will be mildly put out by feminists making such a big deal.."whining" if you like, about rape.

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  6. @Amanda: Your comment made me snort coffee up into my nose. And then I died.

    OH OKAY IT WAS ONLY THE COFFEE THING. Sorry.

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  7. What I like to do after sex is I like to go to the emergency room for a forensic screening, spend hours with police officers repetitiously describing to them every detail for their report, which they'll file away and ignore along with the forensic evidence, and do all that explaining over again in court so the jury and the newspapers and my family and friends can hear about what a lying slut I am.
    It's like the post-coital cigarette, only longer-lasting.

    Live in fear, Tom.

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  8. "Are you Sibyl?"

    This is one tiny example of why I have instantly and completely fallen in love with you.

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  9. Sady, you're hilarious. Seriously. This is now my favorite blog in the universe, because your attitude is just so ass-kicking. Keep it up!

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  10. Didn't you know that there is only a finite amount of caring in the world? This blog's posts on Seth Rogen alone have siphoned off at least 400 cubic meters of caring!

    Tom is also right that having only half a brain is actually very common. According to research those "die hard feminists" Amnesty International and the government of Scotland did in 2005 & 2008, one third of people believe that a woman is totally or partially responsible for her own rape if she has been flirting, 27% if she is wearing ‘sexy or revealing’ clothing, 28 - 24% if she has been drinking.

    (See http://www.thisisnotaninvitationtorapeme.co.uk/ for more.)

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  11. I don't think you need to worry about getting Tom hot and bothered. Considering that, in his own words, he can't distinguish his sexual experiences from rape, I doubt that a woman enthusiastically participating in sex really does much for him.

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  12. False rape accusations are my hot hot sex.

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  13. I love this bit:

    "Another thing, why is it always up to the guy to stay sober enough to stop the act? If I go home with a girl after drinking, and we both have sex wasted as hell, she can wake up and say that she didn't want it. Then I go to jail. Where does that seem right at all? How about don't get drunk enough to agree to sex with a random stranger unless you are prepared to accept the consequences? That's how you "ask for it"."

    I think I love it so much because Tom is identifying the consequences of HIM getting drunk enough to agree to have sex with a random stranger as a POSSIBLE RAPE CHARGE and he doesn't seem to want to accept that at all! By his logic, guys who have drunk sex are "asking" to be accused of rape. And I can't help feeling like that wasn't his point.

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  14. OMG, I was prepared to do my usual fangirl squee over how amazingly takedowntastic Sady is, and then snobographer totally gilded the lily, only in a good way.

    Every day I come here, I enjoy it more. You are now in my links toolbar. There are only four blogs on my toolbar.

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  15. @Amanda OMG! Big ups. (likewise @sady with the snorting coffee. and dying.)

    Next time someone says "Argh, you sensitive laydeez with your shrill demands that people stop making rape jokes. Humour relies on taboos, so grow up!" I'm gonna pull this "What? I'm totes grown up. I laugh at rape jokes ALL THE TIME. They just have to be ACTUALLY funny. Like Amanda's hilarious joke about how us laydeez are always exaggerating about rape."

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  16. Hi just crossed over from the Guardian, just to say the stuff about Tom is hysterical.
    Incidentally the word 'hysteria' is Greek derived referring to the uterus. Woman were the only ones given to hysteria up till the Victorian era. Therefore I think Tom will appreciate the association.

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  17. I have been wandering over here to grin happily at your snark for a while now, but this post is the one that made me so gleeful that I immediately needed a link to you right from my blog itself!

    Tom, Tom. Thank goodness we have you to tell us that we can't actually be pissed off at more than one thing at a time. I was a bit confused about that.

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  18. I think "anything short of fighting a dude off with a Samurai sword" really made this article. I tip my hat to you and your wit. I'm downloading Observe and Report on Bittorrent right now solely to see if that scene is as bad as I'm hearing.

    (And Tom sounds like kind of a prick.)

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  19. Dear Tom,

    Oh.

    Well.

    Thanks. That really puts it into perspective for me. I now understand that what my ex-boyfriend did to me does not matter.

    Please fuck off and die in a fire at your earliest opportunity.

    Wishing you a lifetime of erectile dysfunction and consequent rejection, even from prison inmates,

    Chai

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  20. Ok, so. I just wanted to stop by and ask where were you tonight when I was made to watch Clerks 2 and I would have needed someone to explain why that movie got on my nerves so much?

    I wish I could beatdown like you.

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  21. Like Tom, I fear things I just might do, OR BE FALSELY ACCUSED OF DOING!!1! just walking around in the world. I don't walk near small children lest I suddenly push their handlers to the sidewalk and tuck the child under my arm and then run away laughing. Ahahahahaha! Also, someone could just HAND me their baby and I could walk away all "Hey, thanks for the baby" and then they could CHANGE THEIR MINDS LATER and accuse me of something I didn't even DO, mostly.

    Same for old people, only replace stealing with 'kicking', and baby with 'their shins'.

    It's a tough life, all the things one could do/not do/want to do/be accused of doing.

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  22. I remember this one time, I had sex with this guy, except I kept saying "no" and "please don't do this". Man, was he pissed afterward when I changed my mind and said it was rape.

    Hilariously (but not as hilariously as if I'd been drunk) that's pretty much exactly what happened. I've never seen someone so indignant- how was he supposed to know he should stop?

    Sorry, I'm gonna have to stay anonymous on this.

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  23. I find it interesting how often alcohol gets tied up in issues of women's sexuality and consent. It seems almost like there is this baseline assumption that women (or perhaps men as well, I'm not sure) only get horny when drunk, or that sex is so disgusting that a woman would only be willing to do it when her inhibitions are chemically lowered.

    Where does this come from?

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  24. Sady, I can not get enough of Tiger Beatdown. I have a total girl crush on you right now.

    Tom, you are a douche. Google "feminist bingo" and then re-read your comment.

    Also, it would be a personal favor to the female half of the population if you never had sex again, at least not with us.

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  25. On my google reader Tom's comment came up just before this one as a post all of it's own and I, foolishly, thought that it was your post, already mocking and exagerating the misguided words of deleted posters. But no, someone actually did say it... In all seriousness...
    On another note your writings are most amusing. ^^

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  26. "...if she wakes up the next morning and snaps, she can just tell the police that I raped her."

    I am confused by Tom's use of the term "snaps." Does this mean "sober up," "go crazy," or "suddenly realize what I did to her last night?"

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  27. "Another thing, why is it always up to the guy to stay sober enough to stop the act? If I go home with a girl after drinking, and we both have sex wasted as hell, she can wake up and say that she didn't want it. Then I go to jail. Where does that seem right at all? How about don't get drunk enough to agree to sex with a random stranger unless you are prepared to accept the consequences? That's how you "ask for it"."

    This sort of nonsense was regrettably common when I was in college. I came up with a two step way to avoid such situations as this uber-douche brings up:

    1. Do not be a fucking scumbag asshole who takes advantage of people when they are drunk.
    2. See Step 1.

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  28. I'm going to quote in reverse order:

    "(b) distrust all women to the degree that you believe them to be maniacs who go and get rape kits, press charges, pay for lawyers, and go through the victim-smearing and harassment rape trials inevitably bring on, just for the fun of you facing a mild possibility (MILD, given how rarely actual rape convictions are handed down) of jail time!"

    And then,

    "However, thanks to [die hard feminists], I'm literally scared to have sex with perfectly willing women, simply because I know that if she wakes up the next morning and snaps, she can just tell the police that I raped her,"

    which shows, I think, that the mission is accomplished. TOM is scared straight (or, asexual, as the case is). He shouldn't be making meta-commentary when he thought the commentary itself was asinine. Because then he's just meta-asinine, which sounds kind of unpleasant. Like something that happens to you when you go to jail and get raped.

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  29. I'm just wondering why this "Tom," who is clearly born to be a reader of someone like Robert Heinlein, would be led to believe that in the case of drunken sex there would be such a thing as a free lunch?

    In other words, in order to avoid possible accusations of rape the morning after, you just need to have consensual sex with a non-judgment-impaired person. It's as simple as that, honest!

    I mean, if you substituted the word "tax" for "sex" I bet "Tom" would understand this perfectly.

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  30. I snap for no fucking reason after great sex all the time. I mean, every gal knows the perfect post-orgasm delight is not a cigarette, but a humiliating rape trial.

    Jackass.

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  31. Much worse things happen every day and much worse things are put into movies every day, and sitting here troubling yourself with a fictional rape will not solve anything.Mmm, yes. I also get irritated whenever people, particularly people of the lady persuasion, trouble themselves with things that are not The Worst Thing In The World(TM).

    The Worst Thing In The World(TM) is carefully selected by TOM and some other very rational and non-hysterical people on a daily basis, according to an algorithm that considers every aspect of everything, scientifically determining with pinpoint accuracy the single most horrific expression of man's inhumanity to man currently in progress.

    Today's worst thing in the world was women who exaggerate.

    As we all know, the best response to any suffering that is not The Worst Thing In The World(TM) is total apathy. This is, in fact, the responsible (and ethical!) response to pain, be it your own or that of others.

    TOM, you have won my heart with your reasonableness and ability to take a joke. I can only hope that you will not be too afraid to make totally willing and not at all creepy sweet sweet love to me when we finally meet.

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  32. If it's not to late to mention it here, I was so taken with belmanoir's symmetrical point -- that if women are "asking for it" by becoming intoxicated they *by definition* having sex with someone intoxicated is *also* "asking for it" -- that I posted about it over at my place.

    Genuinely great takedown, Sady. But belmanoir's point seems affirmatively actionable... *especially* for the Toms of the world who -- following anime-heart's point about no free lunches -- evidently thinks it's ok to get in bed with someone he'd never consider getting in a car with if she were driving.

    figleaf

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  33. Thank you so much for this post. "if a guy thinks that what he's doing to you might possibly be construed as rape, and he does it anyway, that dude's a fucking rapist." That quote of your mom's is GOLD.

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  34. Oh, you are wonderful Sady. *Helpless with laughter* And your commenters too.

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  35. You are the single most hilariously quotable blogger I read. It's ace. :)

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