Adventures in Comparative Literature: Chug (Chug) Chug (Chug) Freshman (Freshman) Freshman (Freshman) Edition

So! I spoke to a gentleman recently. I was like, "hello! How are you? I, myself, am contemplating a blog post on Asher Roth." And he was like, "Asher Roth? Really? Is this what we are doing now? Wasting our lives?" And I was like, "point taken! CLICK: DELETE POST." Then we started talking about Robert Herrick (a Cavalier poet! Of the 17th century, I think! In, like, England!) and things got back to a not-stupid level. I think everyone was relieved.

But wait! I thought. What if I could prove that 17th-century (?) Cavalier poet Robert Herrick and noted public idiot Asher Roth are, in fact, the same person? Because I had to study one of them for the GRE, and he annoyed the piss out of me, and then I saw one of them on YouTube and he did the very same thing! Join me now, on this voyage of shocking discovery.

1. For Trulye, The Poet Must Treate on Matteres of Love & Marriage

I'll hug, I'll kiss, I'll play,
And, cock-like, hens I'll tread,
And sport it any way
But in the bridal bed.

For why ? that man is poor
Who hath but one of many,
But crown'd he is with store
That, single, may have any.
- Robert Herrick, The Poet Loves a Mistress, but not to Marry

Yeah I like you but not enough to wife you
You say I'm nice, true, and you think I'm the right dude
But there's another girl just like you...

No text's gonna give me head
Long distance just ain't my thing
Young single don't need no ring
I'm a free man now I don't need no strings, sing
- Asher Roth, Be By Myself

2. Ywis, and of the Boobyes of Wenches

DISPLAY thy breasts, my Julia—there let me
Behold that circummortal purity,
Between whose glories there my lips I'll lay,
Ravish'd in that fair via lactea.
- Robert Herrick, Upon Julia's Breasts (see also, Upon the Nipples of Julia's Breasts, and Upon the Roses in Julia's Bosom: Julia had quite a set, if Literature is any guide).

pretty girl you know that
you so hot hot hot hot. how about i take you
to my spot spot spot spot... know i'm at my best
when i make you sweat.
when i get sex
i get no rest. smack that butt i'm a
bounce them breasts.
- Asher Roth, Lion's Roar

3. The Poete Seekes Not to Offend the Fairer Sexe, Womene

O JUPITER, should I speak ill
Of woman-kind, first die I will ;
Since that I know, 'mong all the rest
Of creatures, woman is the best.
- Robert Herrick, In Praise of Women

I like to know, what makes a rapper?
... What if he's a she and not a he at all
Or does a broad have to a be a C at least
Or can it be decreased if she real up on the beat?
- Asher Roth, The Lounge

4. On a Topic Separate and Comicall, Dost Thou Know What the Poete Hates? The Fairer Sexe, Womene

THOU who wilt not love, do this,
Learn of me what woman is.
Something made of thread and thrum,
A mere botch of all and some,
Pieces, patches, ropes of hair ;
Inlaid garbage everywhere.
- Robert Herrick, Upon Some Women

I hear a high pitch voice scream my name.
Some dumb ass girl I went to high school with.
While she's sweating she's telling me she likes my dick.
I just smile and think 'bout how great it would be
If I can just hit this chick with a quick leg sweep.
- Asher Roth, Bad Day

5. The Poete, On Occasione, Gettes Somewhat Rapeye

WOMEN, although they ne'er so goodly make it,
Their fashion is, but to say no, to take it.
- Robert Herrick, Denial in Women Not Disheartening to Men

you got what you wanted
and flaunted what you wanted
and I went a little further even when you didn't want it
- Asher Roth, Alone

6. The Poete's Biographie Provides Ample Opportunitie for Merrye Jest

Not widely read or respected in his day; is rumored to have died a virgin, with his poems being simply a massive campaign of overcompensation.

I rest my case.