Saturday, November 1, 2008

Douche (Noun): Something a Reasonable Woman Wouldn't Put in Her Vagina

Some men aspire to be famous douches; others are happy to toil in douche obscurity until the light of internet fame shines upon them. Then, there are men who arise, in the space of a moment, to the heights of douchery - men like young Ian Sloane, of Wheaton College, who inquires: 
I have a question, addressed to any academic (or social) studiers of women at Wheaton; When will the woman stop playing into the traditional gender role, submitting to a hot and steamy smooch on the lips while griping about male dominance in relationships out of the corner of her mouth?
Ha ha, yeah, when will we? (Also: the traditional gender role... OF KISSING? Since when does a woman "submit" to kissing? I thought we liked to smooch!) In answer to your question, Ian, we will probably stop griping around the time dudes stop saying things like this: 
In a surprisingly musical moment of clarity, I realized all women are prostitutes.
Now, keep in mind that Ian Sloane does not mean "prostitute" in the sense of "a person who is paid a pre-negotiated fee in exchange for facilitating the orgasms of his or her client." He means it in the sense that dudes who say things like this tend to mean it - to denote any woman who has expectations of the dude she is dating, no matter how small those expectations are, and no matter what she gives him. Women: they want things! Things like "anniversary gifts!" And "free car rides!" And "ridiculous time commitments!" Relationships today, they are crazy, Ian Sloane says - mostly because they involve women: 
In spite of all the hooplah about the modern independent woman, ladies these days are trying to have the best of both worlds by assuming dominant roles but still requiring regular affirmations of love and commitment.
Women are asking for affirmations of love and commitment? THOSE DIRTY WHORES. When will they realize that the best way to date Ian Sloane is to not want to go out on dates with him? 

But wait: I don't want to go out on a date with Ian Sloane. In fact, I've been not going out on dates with Ian Sloane for years. Ever since I've been old enough to date, I've not been having dates with Ian Sloane. Does this mean we've been together all along? 

I mean, it's the perfect relationship! He's never bought me a gift, I've never been in his car, I've never asked him to spend any time with me, and I can safely say that I will never want him to demonstrate any love or commitment to me! I've never even met him. This raises so many questions: have I been cheating on Ian? What does this mean for my prior commitments? It's clear now that this is my major relationship. Perhaps I should become a nun, or an anchorite, retreating into lifelong isolation so that I can enjoy the absence that is perfect intimacy.  

As for all the other women who are not dating Ian: don't worry ladies, I'm not jealous. There's more than enough of his lovelessness to go around. 


  1. Why the picture of Wesley Crusher? Don't ruin my little girl crush on him by association with major douches like Ian.

  2. Ah, but that is not only Wesley Crusher... it is Wil WHEATON. When a man does not post his douchey visage on his blog, a la Aaron P. Taylor, we as a people are forced to rely on Google Image Search.

  3. Also, in recent memory, Wil Wheaton has proved himself to be a mid-level douche as well.