Hey! Want To Hear About Jean Claude Van Damme's Liquid Creamy Seed?

Well, TOO LATE. The attractively-named Sarah Ball of Newsweek has the goods for you. Mr. Van Damme begins:

I really opened myself up in "JCVD." I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.

OK —
It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.

Well, who wouldn't? Sara (or, in compromised versions, Sarah) is, as we all know, a very attractive name. It can survive almost anything! Few men are indifferent to its powers. Anyway, there's more:

So are you in New York?

Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?

I ' m 22.
Oh, f–––. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?

I don ' t know. When is it?
I don't know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?

Uh —
You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.

Sarah Ball's answer is not on record. At any rate, I think we can safely say one thing: DAMN YOU, SARAH BALL! He was supposed to be mine. It appears that my dreams of a honeymoon spent tenderly kickboxing were for naught.

Ah, well, Jean Claude. We'll always have the dance, you and I.