Let's Hold Hands on the Internet - No, Not You, Aaron P. Taylor

So, one reason for my continuing frustration with Blogger (okay, Wordpress is better - there, I said it!) is that Google Analytics does not reliably keep track of the sites that link to one's blog. I would like to be able to thank (and link back to) the people who link to me. That is because linking is a nice thing to do, and it is also how blogs say hello to each other and make friends. Linking is like holding hands on the Internet.

(Oh, and speaking of linking: children are apparently performing brief, highly symbolic one-act plays about Obama. Children, when will you cease to amaze us all? Probably when you become adults. Angry, disappointed, cynical adults.)

Anyway! After an embarrassingly long amount of time, I have been able to sort through the "referrals" and have found out who the kindly linkers in question are.

• Row My Boat agrees that revisiting the leftist sexism of yore is lame, and deplores the resurrection of stirrup pants. For this reason, Row My Boat is awesome.
  
• Gender Goggles agrees that the main purpose of feminism is to provide detailed and lengthy movie reviews. (And to, you know, change stuff.) For this reason, Gender Goggles is awesome.
  
• There might have been a Stumbleupon.com link to me a while ago? I can't find it. For this reason, Stumbleupon.com is not awesome. Screw you, Stumbleupon.
  
• Amanda Hess of The Sexist agrees that Amanda Hess of The Sexist and I are possibly soulmates. For this reason, Amanda Hess of The Sexist is the most awesome of all.
  

And, finally, a link to frequent traffic-driver and rape-justifier Aaron P. Taylor and his... seduction manual.

Yes, Aaron P. Taylor apparently wrote a seduction manual. This is why I do it, people: because the "Aaron P. Taylor doing embarrassing shit on the Internet" beat is vastly underreported. The seduction manual is pointed to in the "Links" section of his blog (all of those links, I should point out, go to sites run by Aaron P. Taylor), it is available to download for the low, low price of $39.99, and it is entitled From "P.I.M.P." to "W.I.M.P." The NON-JUAN's Guide... TO LOSING THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS!!!!

This, as you can imagine, is something that Aaron P. Taylor knows a little bit about! Here are some of the topics he covers:

>> You find girls constantly telling you, "You're a Nice Guy," yet they won't date you!

Because you wrote a blog post about raping them!

>> You have lots of girl "friends," but no "girlfriend"!

Because you wrote a blog post about raping them!

>> You've left a message on a girl's answering machine, and she never calls you back!

Because she read your blog post about raping!

>> You had a girl tell you she wants a guy who's honest with her... but as soon as you tell her how you honestly feel about her, she no longer wants to be around you!

Because you told her you honestly felt that some women "deserve" a raping!

>> You can't understand why girls make dates with you, but cancel at the last minute!

Again: maybe the raping blog didn't help?

>> You've never kissed, touched, or been intimate with a girl... EVER!

Ha ha ha, I WOULD IMAGINE SO, A.P.T.

Anyway, after plunking down your $39.99, you will learn Aaron P. Taylor's top secret dating techniques, including this:

The TOP 5 EXCUSES girls give for not dating you - and how to act like they were never spoken

Ah, consent: so inessential to the dating process! Buyers, act now to take advantage of these hot dating tips. They're woman-tested and... well, not woman-approved, really, but who cares? Just follow them anyway!

This is an invaluable document. In fact, I'm thinking of sending a copy to Ian Sloane.

Oh. Oh, wait, no. That would be a terrible idea.

OMG my BFF Aaron P. Taylor!

You know: Aaron P. Taylor, who did not rape you (although he totally could have, and he thinks you deserved it), is a very sensitive guy. Aaron P. Taylor is an artist who did not rape you; an iconoclast who did not rape you; a thinker of thoughts about raping you (OR NOT), which he selflessly shares with the world. So imagine how hurt Aaron P. Taylor was when his silly little blog post about "How Not To Get a 'Deserved' Raping" got folks all in a huff! I mean, all of these mean Internet people - Jezebel, Shakesville, the Washington City Paper - kept linking to Aaron P. Taylor, and saying mean things about Aaron P. Taylor, and even (gasp!) commenting on Aaron P. Taylor's blog.

Look, Aaron P. Taylor is going to say this ONE TIME, so you all better listen up:

It’s stupid for any woman to believe that she can go through life teasing guy after guy after guy after guy, and not think that at least ONE of them might take what she thinks is a “joking” lil’ tease routine too seriously, to the point where he thinks she’s still “joking” when she says she really doesn’t want sex. If you’re constantly putting yourself in positions or situations where there’s a possibility of something like that happening, it’s only a matter of time before it might eventually happen.

See? Aaron P. Taylor thinks that women who get raped are stupid and bring it upon themselves! Why are people so upset about that? Aaron P. Taylor can't imagine!

Anyway, it's really rough on Aaron P. Taylor when you blog about him. So stop it, OK? Especially you two:

I wasn’t going to even do a rebuttal to this post… but then I found out that other blog sites have been re-posting this article and saying negative things about me personally. (To read some of these sites, you can click http://news.mensactivism.org/node/10802, or http://tigerbeatdown.blogspot.com/2008/10/andrew-p-taylor-did-not-rape-you-he.html [this one is pretty sarcastic, but kinda funny].)

Wha... wait a second. Did Aaron P. Taylor just say that I'm funny? Oh, my god, you guys, does this mean that we are destined to be friends... or possibly more? I can imagine running with Aaron P. Taylor through a field of daisies, holding his hand, sharing a cone of ice cream with him... I'd run my fingers through Aaron P. Taylor's pencil-thin douche beard and gaze tenderly into Aaron P. Taylor's non-lazy eye... and all the while, Aaron P. Taylor would be not raping me, unless I accidentally turned him on, in which case he'd pretty much have to... Aaron P. Taylor: imagine me and you! And you, and me! No matter how you toss the dice, it's meant to be!

IIIIII CAN'T SEE ME [BEING VIOLENTLY RAPED BY] NOBODY BUT [AARON P. TAYLOR] FOR ALL MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!

Ha ha ha, oh, we have fun, don't we? But wait: did I just made a joke about sex with Aaron P. Taylor? Because we all know that "joking" about sex with Aaron P. Taylor means that Aaron P. Taylor will later think you are "joking" when you decline to actually have sex with Aaron P. Taylor. So that means...

OH MY GOD HE'S COMING RUN RUN LOCK ALL THE DOORS AAAAAAAHHHHHH.

Can You "Spot" the Unnecessary "Quotation" Marks?

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Aaron P. Taylor Did Not Rape You. He Deserves a Cookie!

Yes, it's true: if you are reading this, Aaron P. Taylor of UnCommoN SENSE ("a Blog on Deciphering the Enigma that is Life") probably did not rape you. (If he did: my apologies. You can put away the baking sheet now.) In fact, Aaron P. Taylor cares so much about rape, and your safety from it, that he put together a little blog post, entitled "Advice 4 Women: How Not to Get a 'Deserved' Raping."

Ha ha, well, too late for me, I guess! If only I'd found Aaron P. Taylor earlier. Aaron P. Taylor: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE? That is what I would like to know!

Let's get down to business. Aaron P. Taylor - born on January 7, 1982, in Petersburg, VA, where he did not rape you - begins by laying down a little slice of the enigma that is his life, so as to decipher it. Here, he finds himself at a club in Atlanta, GA, where he has been living for the past several years while not raping you:

We got on the dance floor, and started dancing. At first it was no-touch dancing, with both of us dancing in front of each other doing the best two-steps we could. After the first dance session, she went away for a while, and I proceeded to continue dancing by myself.

A few minutes later, she came over again, and wanted to dance to another song. Once again, I agreed.

This time, though, the dancing she did was more suggestive...

The next time we danced, our faces were touching again. Me, being the guy I am, decided to go in for a light kiss. I puckered up my lips, tilted my head to the side, and…

BOOM! She turned her face and I got the cheek!

BOOM! Aaron P. Taylor got the cheek! POW! That girl did not want a sexing from Aaron P. Taylor! ZAP! Aaron P. Taylor is ugly! (Seriously, look at the picture. Is that a lazy eye?)

Anyway, Aaron P. Taylor, who graduated from Hampton University with a degree in Fine and Performing Arts that he earned by studying hard and not raping you, was inspired by this curious incident to write a little bit about what he could have done, had he not chosen to engage in the fine gentlemanly not-raping-you type of behavior which Aaron P. Taylor always strives to uphold:

Had I been a less-than-understanding guy (i.e., a forceful-type of guy who always “gets what he wants by any means necessary”), I could have just as easily forced a kiss on her, or worse - waited until after the club let out to follow her to her car, then followed her to her house. And, when she got out her car, I could have been right there ready to pounce on her, saying: “I think you owe me something, lady!!”

My goodness, Aaron P. Taylor! That is a very active and suspiciously detailed fantasy life you've got going on there! On the other hands, it is certainly nice that you are including these super helpful "Tips for the Rapey" in your anti-rape article: it shows that you don't take sides.

So, we've established that Aaron P. Taylor did not rape you, because Aaron P. Taylor is not a less-than-understanding guy. (He certainly understands how to stalk and rape someone! NOT THAT HE EVER WOULD.) Here are some other things that Aaron P. Taylor did not do:

• Aaron P. Taylor did not did not videotape himself throwing a puppy over a cliff while serving a term of military service; he also did not post the subsequent video on YouTube.
• Aaron P. Taylor did not commit the Zodiac murders; he also did not taunt various individuals with cryptic messages pertaining to said murders.
• Aaron P. Taylor did not start the popular internet practice of "Rick Rolling."
• Aaron P. Taylor did not conspire to conceal the location of Osama bin Laden following the attacks of 9/11.
• Aaron P. Taylor's favorite American Idol contestant was not Sanjaya; he was not moved to hysterical tears by Sanjaya's performances, and he did not vote for him repeatedly.
• Aaron P. Taylor did not boil a rabbit belonging to Michael Douglas following the end of their affair, thereby exposing his deep rage and mental instability; close examination reveals this to be a scene from the movie Fatal Attraction.
• Aaron P. Taylor was not present at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ; at the crucifixion, when given the choice to free one man, he did not shout "Barabbas! Give us Barabbas!"
• After substantial investigation, we have concluded that Aaron P. Taylor did not assassinate Archduke Franz Ferdinand, thereby triggering the first World War.

There are so many terrible things that Aaron P. Taylor has not done! Through not doing terrible things, he has gained the wisdom that comes with not doing them. Wisdom like this:

In short, ladies: if you don’t want a guy to rape you, don’t do stuff intentionally that you know will make him want to jump your bones. You may think doing these sorts of things is “cute” and “just being a girl,” but it’s dangerous, and can get you hurt. Teasing a guy with soft whispers, body groping, or any other type of enticing maneuver is wrong if you don’t plan on following through.

You heard him right, ladies: if you want to stay safe from Aaron P. Taylor, do not flirt with him, touch him, speak to him, or show him any kind of sexual or friendly attention, lest he be enticed, lose control, and accidentally follow you to a deserted location and give you a raping. What sound advice! I think we can all agree that no woman should ever interact with Aaron P. Taylor again for the rest of his life, can't we?

So, Aaron P. Taylor: thank you for your insight into why women should run away from you, shrieking in terror, whenever you approach. Were I not so busy getting a restraining order against you, I would most definitely give you a cookie.

[Via.]

Busted.

Hey: do you remember "Girls Say Yes to Boys Who Say No?" You know, the infamous poster/slogan that became a touchstone for the second wave of feminism, insofar as it illuminated the second-class status of women within left-wing activist communities by presenting women as sexual rewards for radical men rather than as people who were themselves working for radical change? Well, good news; now that feminism has succeeded and no-one will ever experience gender discrimination or misogyny ever again, we can bring it back!

It's ironic, you see; you can tell because they are doing nothing to deconstruct or critique the original image, preferring instead to faithfully re-create it with new models and slightly different copy. You've come a long way, baby, but no need to worry - the place you've arrived at looks just like the place you left.

You can probably guess where I found this. Ah, darling BUST: things would be so much easier for you if you admitted that you weren't a feminist magazine any more, and that at some point along the line you transformed into Hipster Cosmo. Really, you don't need to worry about the political coverage; I have far better sources for that. Just show me how to knit a bright pink dildo cozy and keep me up to date with the newest rockabilly looks. It's what you want. It's what you've wanted all along.

Anyway, on November 4th, I'll be doing my part by offering my sexual services to any and every man in my district who promises to vote for the Democratic candidate. RSVP for location. Lines will form; get there early.