Wednesday, August 5, 2009

What's Your Tucker Max Personality Type?

Hey, you know what I love? Quizzes! Like the ones you get on the Facebook from your former co-workers and such. What's Your Meyers-Briggs Personality Type? What Kind Of Kisser Are You? If You Were A Sandwich, Would You Have Mustard On You? Love those things! Which is why I never do them and have not been on Facebook for several months.

You know what I've never done, though? Designed a personality quiz. Luckily for me, my future husband Tucker Max has just released his new movie trailer. For "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell!"

(Why is Tucker Max my future husband, you ask? Why, because I cannot think of him without kind of wanting to throw up or cry! There is not a man on this Earth who inspires me to more revulsion, and having watched several romantic comedies, including "The Ugly Truth," I now know that this means we are going to fall in love and be together forever.)

Anyway, here's my boyfriend's trailer!

Okay! Done throwing things at the computer monitor? Super! It's time for my awesome new personality quiz: Which Woman From The "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" Trailer Are You?

1) DO YOU TALK TO TURTLES? If you answered Yes, you are That Lady Who Talks To Turtles! You are crazy and stupid, like a woman would be. Also, you appear to be the only non-white person in the entire universe.

2) ARE YOU NOT A REAL PERSON? If you answered Yes, you are That Fat Girl Over There! You are a barrel full of laughs at your own expense, like all women, but especially fat ones. Also, it's okay to talk about killing you because you don't give Tucker Max a boner.

3) ARE YOU A CLINGING, CASTRATING HARPY WHO DOESN'T WANT YOUR BOYFRIEND TO EVER HAVE ANY AWESOME FUN WITH HIS BROS? If you answered Yes, you are The Girlfriend Who Yells Into The Phone! You are a very busy lady, as you were last seen yelling into the phone at Bradley Cooper in "The Hangover" trailer (OH HAI I THINK YOU MADE THE SAME MOVIE TWICE GUYS YOU MAYBE WANNA LOOK INTO THAT) and are currently scheduled to appear in several Judd Apatow movies. You are no fun, because you are a woman.

4) ARE YOU 98% OF THE WOMEN IN THIS TRAILER? If you answered Yes, you are a stripper! You probably don't have any lines. You do have boobies, though! Boobies that are presented for the delectation of Tucker Max and his awesome bro-band, because you are a woman.

5) ARE YOU FULL OF SELF-LOATHING AND GIGGLES? If you answered Yes, you are The Lady Who Makes Out With Tucker Max! You also do not have any lines, because you are basically a prop to show that Tucker Max can put his penis into a real live vagina if he wants to, because you are a woman.


7) DO YOU FIND THAT NONE OF THE ABOVE DESCRIPTIONS ARE AT ALL RELEVANT TO YOU, YOUR LIFE, OR YOUR PERSONALITY? Take it again! This is a professionally made movie, by professionals, who got paid to provide you with their professional film. It is not as if one can become a professional director or screenwriter if one has absolutely no functioning knowledge of what women are like and relies on obnoxious stereotype instead of insight or creativity! So, seriously, take the quiz again, because the only other option is that you are Tucker Max. And nobody wants that. Not even me. His lover.


  1. Ever since this influx of dudebro comedies started I've been waiting for the genre to bottom out so hollywood can start moving on and up into less craptastic territory.

    I live in hope that this movie represents the bottom. 'Course, It feels like I've been saying that for ages now.

    Will it ever end?

  2. My word.

    Aren't dudebros even tired of this?

  3. I am sorry to say, I read the book that this movie is based on. (Actually, I listened to it as an audio book while driving cross-country, which is the only reason I finished it. Also? I kept thinking it would get better. It didn't.) There were things in that book that literally made me gag, and no way could they put them into an R-rated movie. So thank God for small favors. -Julie

  4. Oh noes, you guys, I'm next- Sady, I be stealing your man.

    I too have had the misfortune of picking this book up and reading it through. What's spectacular is his constant reaffirmation's of his behaviour because he only goes after "dumb women" who "deserve" and "expect" such treatment.
    Honestly, the book read like one giant jerk-off about how funny and amazing he was while sexually or verbally assaulting women

  5. I'm going to quote a friend:

    "If we stop talking about T**ker M*x, maybe he'll disappear like Freddy Krueger at the end of Nightmare on Elm Street."

  6. Yeah just ignore him and he'll go away. What an original idea. And ever-so effective historically!
    There's so many dudes in showbiz for whom I feel such deep abiding contempt - Apatow, Rogen, Stern, Hefner, Flynt, Maher on and on and on - are they all my sould mates?

  7. The trouble is, he says and does these things strictly for the publicity it brings him. He doesn't care if you don't like it, you're still talking about him.

    Critiquing his behavior isn't going to stop it. It certainly didn't stop him from writing his blog, and in fact the backlash against him helped give him the cred to get this movie made.

    The best you can hope is to educate people not to put up with this kind of crap behavior, and frankly, you can do that without ever mentioning the guys name.

  8. @Scott: Yes, he is a publicity-based monster. But it's fun to make fun! And frankly, I doubt anyone who reads this is in the Tucker Max frat-dude demographic.

    In conclusion, Scott, please don't SILENCE ME when I am talking about MY BOYFRIEND. My wonderful boyfriend. He is going to fool me into butt sex and secretly tape it! And then throw up on me!*

    *Confession: This story is fabricated.**

    **Confession: So, apparently, are Tucker's.

  9. I am pleased to say that I do not know who Tucker Max is, except that now I know he is Sady's boyfriend. Whom she does not like. And that he has a dumb name. I couldn't even watch the video, because "the video has been removed by the user." So I win, right?

  10. @mr-subjunctive
    Would that you could omit watching the trailer, merely because it has been removed from YouTube! A simple Google search can restore your daily diet of misogyny

  11. saved by the bell hooksAugust 6, 2009 at 8:37 AM

    So I didn't know about the existence of Tucker Max before I read this post, and part of me wants to go back to those golden days before I went to his website and read one of his "stories." (Do not do this.)

    But mostly I am glad I now know about Tucker Max, just like I was grateful to the middle school health teacher who taught me about toxic shock syndrome. There are things out there that are evil and poisonous to vaginas and the people who have them. But there are also ways to prevent and deal with these evil things, like proper hygiene and derisive jokes.

    And Sady's right: no one who reads this blog is going to be like OMG I love Tucker Max and want to buy all his products! Except Sady herself, of course, when they eventually fall in love.

  12. I feel like the author of this article may be a combination of both 2 and 3 (though from my experience the two are mutually inclusive). So much hate for someone you will likely never meet. It must be an exhilarating life the haters lead.

  13. Anon, why stare a shit pile in the face when you can smell it from miles away? Or see a picture of it?

  14. I am actually so disgusted by the actual fact that this is a movie that I cannot even bring myself to play the trailer. The trailers for The Hangover were so bad that I found myself more than slightly nauseaus. Barring a disruption of the space time continuum (I don't have the 1.21 gigawatts needed) I can't see how I can stop this movie from being made, so I'll just go to bed and read Sex and Social Justice by Martha Nussbaum. No, insteadl I'll hope this horror of a movie breaks millions of records, starting with 1. fewest dollars ever made at the box office. 2. most audience members who fake their own deaths in order to avoid the sex scenes 3. most viewers who suffer involuntary projectile vomiting 4. highest number of movie projectors struck by lightning before the first frame is displayed 5. greatest number of people so disgusted by a movie that they automatically enroll in their nearest women's studies course 6. (please use your imagination for the rest of the lsit, simply talking about the EFFECTS of seeing this movie make me feel as though I've stuck my finger in a light-socket).