THAT'S NOT FUNNY

As one of the world's leading self-appointed experts on Whether That Is Sexist (spoiler: it is) I am, of course, obligated to spend up to five minutes per day reading headlines and then becoming outraged over them. Then I write things with the phrase "taco farts" in them and post some YouTube clips, and so the world is saved!

Here, dear reader, are some things that have occurred recently, about which one should not make jokes, because that would be terribly insensitive and sexist. Prepare yourself for some somber reflection.


ITEM THE FIRST: Dad accused of selling girl into marriage for cash, beer.

The case started when a Greenfield father reported his 14-year-old daughter as a runaway on Jan. 2. Police now believe the father actually agreed to sell his daughter into marriage to an 18-year-old neighbor, and he wanted the police to help return the girl because he hadn’t been paid.

The agreed-upon price was $16,000 in cash, 150 cases of beer, 150 cases of soda, several cases of meat and two cases of wine.

WHETHER THAT IS SEXIST: Um, yes.

THINGS THAT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE TO SAY: My God! I have a sister!

No, I'm kidding. My dad totally would have held out for some Neil Young tickets. That's how I know he loved me.


ITEM THE SECOND: 22-Year-Old's Virginity Auction Bids Hit $3.7M

Natalie Dylan, a 22-year-old San Diego woman, said she got the idea for the auction after her sister was able to pay for her college education after prostituting herself for three weeks, according to the London Telegraph.

Dylan has a degree in women's studies. She told the paper she hopes to pay for an advanced degree in family and marriage therapy with the proceeds from the auction.

WHETHER THAT IS SEXIST: It depends on what you feel about the roles of agency and choice? Or: the dudes might be sexist, but the lady might only be taking advantage of a world in which sexism is an undeniable factor? She might be colluding, or she might be playing the system, and I don't really know the difference between those two, maybe there is none, but... oh, whatever. It totally is.

THINGS THAT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE TO SAY: When she finds out that this is the only way for a Women's Studies major to make money in anything vaguely related to her studies, she'll probably regret spending it on grad school.


ITEM THE THIRD: This thing:


WHETHER THAT IS SEXIST: The feminists are divided! Ann Bartow writes here that "Obama can greatly advance the status of women during his Presidency, and I very much hope he will. But I don’t remember hearing Barack Obama describe himself as a feminist... symbolically looking to a male superhero to 'rescue' feminism? Very problematic imagery, in my view." Oh, and also there is some stuff about Hillary in there. Megan Carpentier at Jezebel engages in the representation of diversity and the creation of healthy debate by sensitively writing that Ann Bartow has ugly panties.


THINGS THAT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE TO SAY: But wait! Doesn't Barack Obama know that stripping is wrong? Stop objectifying yourself, Mr. President! There is another way!

Behold Ye Now the Merrye Comedie of Aaron P. Taylor & his Men

CHORUS:
Two households, unalike in dignity
In Tiger Beatdown, where we lay our scene
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny;
Dude's based his whole damn world view on his peen.

SOME POSTER (hereinafter named "Mercdouchio"):
Wow! you really twisted his words around... Don't forget that the dancing woman started this. She approached HIM and had the audacity to ram her ass in his groin. According to his article, he was dancing alone and she came up to him.

CHORUS:
From woman's boldness springs all misery;
To dance and not to fuck is trickery!

MERCDOUCHIO:
Secondly, he is not a rapist, he walked away from the situation. He just thought that OTHER men might not be so forgiving.

CHORUS:
He doth forgive! He shall not now thee rape,
Though thou hast made his peen into a jape!

MERCDOUCHIO:
Wow! what a crime, lets lock up Aaron, for thinking that some guy has the POTENTIAL to harm another woman by misreading the flagrant flirtatious behavior (IMHO also extremely classless).

CHORUS:
To rape is sin, yet shows it no less class
Than letting Aaron Taylor touch thine ass?
Methinks Some Poster doth protest too much
That ladies make men rapists by their touch.

MERCDOUCHIO:
Aaron clearly does not approve of rape in any way, and you twisting his words to serve a tired argument (women aren't responsible for their behavior), is damaging to telling women that this COULD happen.

CHORUS:
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is a post on Aaron Taylor's site!
See what course of appeasement now he takes
For women raped, who call his words a blight.

AARON P. TAYLOR:
What I’m saying is, women need to stop always playing the victim role - i.e. the “OMG, I was doing absolutely NOTHING to bring this incident upon me“ role - and start taking responsibility for their actions, actions that can - sometimes - contribute to a guy wanting to sex her without her consent... to all the rape victims who have commented on the article and verbally bashed me for being insensitive to what they went through: please take heed that I am NOT doing that. I am fully aware that there are women (and men - nobody ever brings up the fact that men get raped, too) out there who get raped and didn’t wear a skimpy outfit, or tease a guy, or give a guy any impression that she wanted to have sex with him... Maybe I’m wrong for thinking that a woman might actually be SMART and INTELLIGENT enough to take responsibility for her actions, or realize that, while men SHOULD be smart enough back off when she says no, not all men are going to do so after she’s been giving them signals all night that indicate she’ll kiss or have sex with them.

CHORUS:
Pro-rape? Is not a rapist's conscience served
By saying that some rape is undeserved
But only that which doth befall the "smart?"
Thou hast a dick; now grow thyself a heart.
Is not a woman's body hers to give
Or to withhold, as long as she shall live?
There never is a story of more woe
Than this, of men who cannot hark to "no."

Exeunt Dancing Woman, the Sexist, assorted Jezebels, the Sister of Shakespeare, Various Gentlefolk of Comment, Mercdouchio, Aaron P. Taylor, and the Beater of Tigers, who is Bored.