Welcome To My LiveJournal

Hola, amigos. It has, as they say, been a while since I rapped at you. Let me attempt to explain the delay. As you may know, I: 

• Quit smoking, after which I 
• Hated everything, then got really
• Sad about everything, and then
• Cried a lot, then contracted
• The flu. 

I also: 

• Lost my wallet. 

This does not really look all that impressive in bullet list form, so let me just add: 

• Lost my wallet.
• Dammit. 
  
• Dammit. 
  
• Dammit. 
  

Oh, and also, I am normally not the sort of person to volunteer this information, but on the very day that my wallet went missing (yeah, my wallet "went missing" like JonBenet Ramsey "went missing" - MY WALLET WAS MURDERED, I TELL YOU, MURDERED) I: 

• Got my Mystical Wombyn Moon Ocean Nature Lady Time. 

Now, having read The Mists of Avalon, I am fully aware that, were I to have sex with a man during this Mystic Time, I could bewitch him to do my will. Unfortunately, my will at this point in time is that I be given a backrub and some hot tea while I watch re-runs of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on the Internet, which is so boring that even a sex zombie would pass on it. So I guess I'll just be looking up those YouTube clips myself. Oooh, hey! 

Also, I know that right now you are like, "none of this is remotely funny, nor does it have anything resembling a point. In fact, I find it tasteless! Were I not offended, I would be bored." I quite agree, my good man or woman! Sadly, everything that I've written recently has inspired the same feelings of shock and/or tedium. And that is why, for the past week, I have refrained from posting. 

So, that's it: my absence, explained, with bullet points. Now, on to something resembling news.