Virgins, Whores, and Retail: Holiday Cheer Edition!

Women! They sure do like it when you buy them things. Am I right, fellas? Unfortunately, this holiday season, you may find yourself sleeping with one of them - or maybe even married to one! As a male, you are of course totally incapable of buying someone a thoughtful gift which is tailored to her personal tastes. Fortunately, all women fall into one of two categories - the kind that's good for marrying, and the kind that's good for fucking. That is why Esquire has compiled (thank you, ma'am) these two extremely useful gift lists: one for your wife, and one for your mistress. Um, LOVER! For your LOVER. Ha ha ha, woo, boy, that was a close one.

Here are some highlights.

Lingerie!

For the Wife: Just because she's married doesn't mean she has to stop wearing ridiculous underpants! However, you should never make her feel too sexy. She's a woman of virtue now. "Skip the dominatrix costume and get her something a little more practical," Esquire advises. (Ah, "practical." Is there any more erotic word in the English language?) They recommend this jacquard Merry Widow from Victoria's Secret. It's tasteful, yet patterned to look vaguely like a gigantic vagina.



For the Skank, er, Lover: She can't be naked all the time - though that would be nice, huh, fellas, huh, you get me, yeah, she'd be naked, because you'd be having sex. Esquire advises a teddy that is "blended mesh and lace," does not incorporate one single inch of non-transparent fabric, and is perfectly suited for the sensuous strip-teases she will be performing daily. "She’ll feel as good putting this on as she will taking it off, both of which we’d advise doing slowly," Esquire says. You ask: can something really qualify as a strip-tease if the woman's entire body is visible throughout the process? To that we say: who cares! She's naked! For purposes of SEX!

DVDs!

For the Wife: Say, here's a sentence that goes downhill fast: "Give your wife the gift of nonstop sex" - awesome! - "with the complete DVD collection of Sex and the City" - dammit! You should have known better: Esquire would never recommend that you have sex with your wife. She's a nice lady! Sex is for hookers and girls with low self-esteem. "Now she'll have something to do while you're watching football on Saturday." Get it? Because you don't talk to each other, or share interests, or enjoy each other's company! Awwww, sweet.

For the Tramp, er, Lover: Unlike your wife, your lover can watch movies with you. Esquire recommends The Lover (well, that was easy), adapted from the novel by Marguerite Duras. It's a story about colonialism and the problematic positioning of desire within hierarchies of race and gender that will totally get her lubed up for you. Enjoy your fancy French movie while the wife is watching that Sex & the City crap at home.

Books!

For the Wife: So, women can read now. I think this happened in the seventies. Give your wife West with the Night, by Beryl Markham, a lady pilot. It's "a must-read for the 21st-century woman who thinks Carrie Bradshaw is what being a strong female is all about." Yep, those feeble-minded ladies can't be "strong and independent" unless men tell them how. (The complete Sex & the City you just bought her probably didn't help.) As a special bonus, this book was recommended by Ernest Hemingway. No-one knew how to please a wife better than Hemingway. That's why he had four!

For the Hoor: Say, is your sexuality mired in shame and lack of imagination? Good news! Esquire has a book for you to give your lady, and it is specially suited for men who are "not sure how to approach the subject of light bondage." It is entitled Revenge, and it has pictures of women getting tied up and doing chores in their underpants. "Slip this book under the tree and keep the fuzzy cuffs handy," Esquire says.

Oh, Christ, fuzzy cuffs. Here's a story for you: I used to work in a sex toy store. (I know! Not done talking about it yet!) The fuzzy cuffs were huge sellers, particularly among timid couples who would sort of sidle up to them and avert their faces from the display while looking at it out of the corners of their eyes and giggling, like, you are in a sex toy store, I am helping people to decide what size butt plug they want, are you afraid someone will think you're interested in sex? When they'd approach the register, we'd say "who's getting tied up?" in this very cheery "this is normal, don't get freaked out" voice, because 99% of the job was trying to get people to feel OK about themselves. If it was a straight couple (and with the fuzzy cuffs, it was always a straight couple) the guy would do this incredible twitchy dance and shout, "SHE IS! SHE IS! NO, NUH-UH, NOT ME, NO, I'M NOT INTO THAT!" We'd smile graciously at them while ringing up their purchases. Then, as soon as they left the store, we'd call that guy a douche and say his girlfriend deserved better.

The moral of this story: don't act like getting tied up is this insane horrible degrading thing that no reasonable person would ever enjoy or be into, particularly if you're planning to tie someone up later. And, for the love of Christ, don't do it with fuzzy cuffs.

Clothing!

For the Wife: "She feels fat. She needs to vomit. She wants a pickle-and-ice-cream sundae." Because she's replaced your love with food? No, silly: because she's pregnant! Now that you're not treating her like a sex object any more, you can start making babies. Knock her up and buy her a nice maternity dress. Not necessarily in that order.

For the Lover: A Herve Leger bandage dress. Ooooh, I know this dress! It's the one that Sadie Stein thinks is boring! But is Sadie Stein aware that it's "hand-sewn to embrace the female form?" Um, probably. "She'll be happy to have a seemingly couture piece in her closet, and you'll be happy to see her curves," Esquire notes. Ladies love clothes! Men love boobies! Well, until they get married, apparently. Then men love football and ladies love ice cream cozies. I read about that in Esquire.

Accessories!

For the Soon-to-Be-Ex-Wife: Socks. Fucking cashmere socks. "That's what women love: things they don't really need." Ha ha ha, like their husbands.

For the Soon-to-Be-Ex-Lover: Fish. Net. Stockings. "The sexiest kind of sexy stocking." I can only assume this is a typo. The correct sentence, I am guessing, would read "the sexiest kind of sexy stocking, if your preferences are to sexy as White Castle is to hamburgers." Or, "the sexiest kind of sexy stocking, if you got your sexuality in bulk at the cheapest possible price, and therefore ended up with Generic-Brand Instant Sexuality that has no real flavor and can only be justified by the fact that it requires no effort and, hey, is almost as good as the real thing." Or, "the sexiest kind of sexy stocking, if you never quite got over that lamp in A Christmas Story." All of those would make more sense. Ultimately, however, you still bought a girl fishnet stockings. That's got to suck.