Friday, January 9, 2009

Terrible Things to Do With Your Time

Well, well! It appears that I will have this particular weekend all to myself! There are so many ill-advised actions I could take within this two-day period. Which will I choose?

1) Comparing My Vagina to a Leathery Old Bag

This is the path taken by Paris Hilton, who quoth:
“I’ve only ever done it with a couple of people. People make up stories, but mostly I just kiss. I think it’s important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag - they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive. If you give it up to a guy he won’t respect you. He’ll want you much more if he can’t have you.”
Feministe points out the gross "my vagina, which is an object, is expensive; marriage is the credit card with which you may purchase it" connotations; however, I think it is far more egregious to coyly refer to your vag as A BAG, WHICH BY DEFINITION IS SOMETHING PEOPLE STICK OBJECTS AND/OR THEIR HANDS INTO. This is by far the sluttiest chastity metaphor I've ever read. Personally, my vagina is more like Sparks; maybe it's not all that great, but you'll miss it when it's gone. Also, it will turn your tongue orange. Strange, but true!

2) Having My Soul Devoured by an Undead Babymonster

The Baby Crazy, which is an ill that affects the American Woman Today, and which was recently explored on the factual news documentary program 30 Rock, can drive a woman to do strange and terrible things. Imagine really, really wanting a burrito, but instead of a burrito it is a massive life-long commitment that costs more than you make per year, every year, and also if you don't do everything exactly right in regard to the burrito it will go mad and start killing sex workers because they remind it of you. That is a lot of pressure! Pressure that can drive a woman Crazy enough to purchase terrifyingly dead-eyed "reborn" babies in lieu of actual fleshbabies, as The Sexist points out, in her chilling gallery of same. My favorite is Natasha, who looks (as a wise commenter points out) a lot like Hitler, and also like the zombie child from Dead Alive.

Childbirth: it's like this, but with your vagina.

3) Not Knowing What "Boner" Means

Hahahaha, I'LL JUST BET SHE WOULD. To be fair, Unnamed Fisherdude's Wife has been saying for a while that she wishes her husband would get a Boner, so imagine how thrilled she'll be when she finds out he's ordered this!

4) Listening to This, Then Being Morally Obliged to Burst Out with Random YAA HAAAAA WOOO Noises All Day Long Until I Have No Friends Left


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