Yeah, yeah, patriarchy hurts everyone, intersectionality of oppressions, blah blah blah, got it. I have a Google alert for the phrase "women than men," people! Time to tally up some scores!
ISSUE ONE: BEING TOTALLY BROKE
Google Alert Says: "The drop in the number of women working so far in this recession is smaller than the decline for men — even when measured in percentage terms — as has been the case in previous recessions."
Who Is Winning: CHICKS. Yay, chicks have jobs! To the broke living in our midst, who are (I have concluded) all dudes, I say: just worry about having dinner on the table and making sure the house is clean, kittens. We'll take care of the rest. Although we may need to rack up some Don-Draper-esque man-mistresses (masters? EW) because you are SUFFOCATING US with your petty domestic concerns.
ISSUE TWO: KEELING OVER STONE DEAD
Google Alert Says: "Women calling 911 with cardiac symptoms took longer than men to get to the hospital after an emergency medical services team had arrived in response to the call, a new study found."
Who Is Winning: DUDES. It's pretty clear-cut: EMTs are watching us die on the floor instead of rushing us to the hospital like our manly counterparts! Oh, there's some bullshit about "symptoms presenting differently," but we all know what's at play here - envy over our BIG FANCY JOBS, WHICH DUDES NO LONGER HAVE. Come on, cupcakes, don't be jealous. What you do is very important. If you define "cleaning bathtubs" as "important," which no-one does.
ISSUE THREE: BEING BASICALLY TORTURED TO DEATH FOR ADULTERY IN A NIGHTMARISHLY OPPRESSIVE REGIME
Google Alert Says: "Men Stoned to Death for Adultery, Murder in Iran."
Who Is Winning: DUDES. It turns out (well, it doesn't "turn out" so much as "confirm what many people, especially feminists, already knew and have been protesting") that "the majority of those sentenced to death by stoning are women. Women are not treated equally with men under the law and by courts, and they are also particularly vulnerable to unfair trials because their higher illiteracy rate makes them more likely to sign confessions to crimes they did not commit." Also, people who are sentenced to death by stoning can be spared if they dig their way out of the holes in which they are buried? And men are buried up to their waists, whereas women are buried up to their necks? And, for women, "adultery" is sometimes defined to include being raped? In related news, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS AWFUL. No picture here.
ISSUE FOUR: THE DREADED CROTCH ROT
Google Alert Says: "Rates of the sexually transmitted disease chlamydia are climbing in the U.S., and rates of syphilis -- once on the verge of elimination -- rose for the seventh consecutive year... Women bear the brunt of both chlamydia and gonorrhea, especially their long-term consequences, CDC officials said. Untreated, both can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease -- an infection of the uterus and fallopian tubes that can cause chronic pain, infertility and life-threatening ectopic pregnancy, or pregnancy outside the uterus."
Who Is Winning: INCONCLUSIVE. When it comes to the Dreaded Crotch Rot, no one wins.
Google Alert Says: "The drop in the number of women working so far in this recession is smaller than the decline for men — even when measured in percentage terms — as has been the case in previous recessions."
Who Is Winning: CHICKS. Yay, chicks have jobs! To the broke living in our midst, who are (I have concluded) all dudes, I say: just worry about having dinner on the table and making sure the house is clean, kittens. We'll take care of the rest. Although we may need to rack up some Don-Draper-esque man-mistresses (masters? EW) because you are SUFFOCATING US with your petty domestic concerns.
ISSUE TWO: KEELING OVER STONE DEAD
Google Alert Says: "Women calling 911 with cardiac symptoms took longer than men to get to the hospital after an emergency medical services team had arrived in response to the call, a new study found."
Who Is Winning: DUDES. It's pretty clear-cut: EMTs are watching us die on the floor instead of rushing us to the hospital like our manly counterparts! Oh, there's some bullshit about "symptoms presenting differently," but we all know what's at play here - envy over our BIG FANCY JOBS, WHICH DUDES NO LONGER HAVE. Come on, cupcakes, don't be jealous. What you do is very important. If you define "cleaning bathtubs" as "important," which no-one does.
ISSUE THREE: BEING BASICALLY TORTURED TO DEATH FOR ADULTERY IN A NIGHTMARISHLY OPPRESSIVE REGIME
Google Alert Says: "Men Stoned to Death for Adultery, Murder in Iran."
Who Is Winning: DUDES. It turns out (well, it doesn't "turn out" so much as "confirm what many people, especially feminists, already knew and have been protesting") that "the majority of those sentenced to death by stoning are women. Women are not treated equally with men under the law and by courts, and they are also particularly vulnerable to unfair trials because their higher illiteracy rate makes them more likely to sign confessions to crimes they did not commit." Also, people who are sentenced to death by stoning can be spared if they dig their way out of the holes in which they are buried? And men are buried up to their waists, whereas women are buried up to their necks? And, for women, "adultery" is sometimes defined to include being raped? In related news, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS AWFUL. No picture here.
ISSUE FOUR: THE DREADED CROTCH ROT
Google Alert Says: "Rates of the sexually transmitted disease chlamydia are climbing in the U.S., and rates of syphilis -- once on the verge of elimination -- rose for the seventh consecutive year... Women bear the brunt of both chlamydia and gonorrhea, especially their long-term consequences, CDC officials said. Untreated, both can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease -- an infection of the uterus and fallopian tubes that can cause chronic pain, infertility and life-threatening ectopic pregnancy, or pregnancy outside the uterus."
Who Is Winning: INCONCLUSIVE. When it comes to the Dreaded Crotch Rot, no one wins.
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Love your writing style.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that always fascinates me most about the dudes vs. chicks kind of news headlines is: what's being left out? For example, more men are getting laid off han women. Fact. Also a fact: the people getting laid off in many corporations are the folks are the highest paid in each strata. (Example: at the news channel where my sister-in-law works, they fired a news anchor and the leads of two tech departments. That meant two people got promotions, but are being paid less than their predecessors and have fewer underlings.) So, what do the two facts together suggest?
That analysis, for some reason, is not fodder for news reporting. Instead, more random quotes from random experts please.
I could not possibly agree more. In fact, re: the Chicks Not Getting Laid Off thing, I had been wondering how that intersected with the whole Dudes Usually Being In Charge/Getting Paid More thing, so thanks for making that more clear. It's kind of nuts how often these things are spun into a gender-conflict story that ignores context. The first story quoted posits that not getting laid off is some kind of "triumph for women in the workplace," for example, and doesn't spend hardly any time on the kind of questions you raised. I guess that wouldn't really sell? I dunno.
ReplyDelete