Science Explains Why You Are SO DISGUSTING. (Hint: It Involves Food!)

Oh, Science, you rascal! I look away for one second, and there you are, dropping weirdly gendered knowledge on the populace like it's your business. (SCIENCE ALERT OF THE FUTURE: Dropping Weirdly Gendered Knowledge on the Populace Its Business.) Today's Science Alert concerns eating, and why it is very bad. Here are the actual findings, as far as I can tell: 

[Men and women] underwent brain scans while being presented with their favorite foods. In addition, they used a technique called cognitive inhibition, which they had been taught, to suppress thoughts of hunger and eating. 

While both men and women said the inhibition technique decreased their hunger, the brain scans showed that men's brain activity actually decreased, while the part of women's brains that responds to food remained active. 

Now, I could make some joke about men voluntarily turning off their brain centers, and it would be very three-camera-sitcom and sort-of-quasi-but-not-really-feminist of me. I will do no such thing! This conclusion does, in fact, sound very Scientific. When presented with the same stimuli, using the same learned technique to suppress reactions, men's brains showed less activity in the targeted center than women's did, although subjects of both genders reported fewer conscious urges to act on those stimuli. Intriguing! Also, impartial! I can't really harp on that. What I can do is show you the headlines that various news outlets used to report it, which go like this:  

WOMEN WORSE THAN MEN AT GIVING INTO HUNGER PANGS - The Daily Telegraph

MEN CAN SUPPRESS HUNGER BETTER THAN WOMEN - I Really Should Study

MEN TOUGHER THAN WOMEN IN RESISTING FOOD TEMPTATIONS* - eFlux Media

STUDY PROVES MEN MORE LIKELY TO RESIST FOOD THAN WOMEN ("A new study by American researchers has found men are more likely to resist food than women, as they have more will power" - I know, we're just doing the headlines, but this was so delightful I had to share) - DBTechno.com

WOMEN LESS ABLE TO CONTROL APPETITE THAN MEN - redOrbit.com

WHY MEN ARE BETTER DIETERS THAN WOMEN - Time

WHAT MAKES WOMEN FAT? BLAME THE BRAIN - The Chicago Sun-Times

And my personal favorite, which is notable in that it just bypasses the issue of food altogether and gets straight to the point, which is: 

MEN RESIST TEMPTATION BETTER THAN WOMEN - KARK 4 News, Little Rock, Arkansas

Now, as I was reading all of this legitimate journalistic coverage of the issue, I kept getting the feeling that I'd heard this story somewhere before. It was something about women, and eating, and our inherent weakness which leads us to do bad stuff, and...

...oh. Oh, right, there it is. 

So, my question to the Respected Legitimate Journalists of America is this: if you are going to deploy this incredibly ancient form of misogyny, as well as the more recent "women who like food are gross and we hate them" variety, why not go all the way? Here are my suggested headlines for Science News of the Future: 

WOMEN BASER THAN MEN, MORE PREY TO CARNAL URGES - Ye Medieval Tymes

WOMEN DETERMINED TO BE IDENTIFIED WITH NATURE, GROSS ANIMAL INSTINCTS; MEN, CULTURE AND THOUGHT - Weirdly Prevalent Binaries Determined to Be Pretty Much Bullshit Quarterly

ALL WITCHCRAFT STEMS FROM CARNAL LUST, LOVE OF BURRITOS, WHICH ARE IN WOMEN INSATIABLE - Malleus Maleficarum Sun-Dispatch

SCIENCE PROVES THAT IF YOU HADN'T LET YOURSELF GO, I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO SLEEP WITH HER, NOW WOULD I? - Journal of Blatant Rationalizations

WOMEN: DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT YOU ARE EACH AN EVE? THE SENTENCE OF GOD UPON THIS SEX OF YOURS LIVES IN THIS AGE: THE GUILT MUST OF NECESSITY LIVE TOO. YOU ARE THE DEVIL'S GATEWAY: YOU ARE THE UNSEALER OF THE FORBIDDEN TREE: YOU ARE THE FIRST DESERTER OF DIVINE LAW: YOU ARE SHE WHO PERSUADED HIM WHOM THE DEVIL WAS NOT VALIANT ENOUGH TO ATTACK. YOU DESTROYED SO EASILY GOD'S IMAGE, MAN. ON ACCOUNT OF YOUR DESERT EVEN THE SON OF GOD HAD TO DIE. ALSO, YOU ATE THE LAST OF THE OREOS, AND I WAS SAVING THEM. - The Daily Tertullian

There. Now, that's news! 

*This is the headline on Google Reader; the site replaces "tougher" with "better." I'm so glad they realized this might sound wee bit sexist! "MEN BETTER THAN WOMEN" is a far more sensitive way to lead off your post, don't you think? 

CHICKS AGAINST DUDES: A Responsible Post

Lest we forget, amid the various personal anecdotes and YouTube clips that are spreading like pinkeye, this is, and will always be, a BLOG ABOUT GENDER. The sexes, they are at war! Yet, as said war wages on, turning bro against bro(ad), too rarely do we stop to reflect: who's winning?

Yeah, yeah, patriarchy hurts everyone, intersectionality of oppressions, blah blah blah, got it. I have a Google alert for the phrase "women than men," people! Time to tally up some scores!

ISSUE ONE: BEING TOTALLY BROKE


Google Alert Says: "The drop in the number of women working so far in this recession is smaller than the decline for men — even when measured in percentage terms — as has been the case in previous recessions."

Who Is Winning: CHICKS. Yay, chicks have jobs! To the broke living in our midst, who are (I have concluded) all dudes, I say: just worry about having dinner on the table and making sure the house is clean, kittens. We'll take care of the rest. Although we may need to rack up some Don-Draper-esque man-mistresses (masters? EW) because you are SUFFOCATING US with your petty domestic concerns.


ISSUE TWO: KEELING OVER STONE DEAD


Google Alert Says: "Women calling 911 with cardiac symptoms took longer than men to get to the hospital after an emergency medical services team had arrived in response to the call, a new study found."

Who Is Winning: DUDES. It's pretty clear-cut: EMTs are watching us die on the floor instead of rushing us to the hospital like our manly counterparts! Oh, there's some bullshit about "symptoms presenting differently," but we all know what's at play here - envy over our BIG FANCY JOBS, WHICH DUDES NO LONGER HAVE. Come on, cupcakes, don't be jealous. What you do is very important. If you define "cleaning bathtubs" as "important," which no-one does.


ISSUE THREE: BEING BASICALLY TORTURED TO DEATH FOR ADULTERY IN A NIGHTMARISHLY OPPRESSIVE REGIME

Google Alert Says: "Men Stoned to Death for Adultery, Murder in Iran."

Who Is Winning: DUDES. It turns out (well, it doesn't "turn out" so much as "confirm what many people, especially feminists, already knew and have been protesting") that "the majority of those sentenced to death by stoning are women. Women are not treated equally with men under the law and by courts, and they are also particularly vulnerable to unfair trials because their higher illiteracy rate makes them more likely to sign confessions to crimes they did not commit." Also, people who are sentenced to death by stoning can be spared if they dig their way out of the holes in which they are buried? And men are buried up to their waists, whereas women are buried up to their necks? And, for women, "adultery" is sometimes defined to include being raped? In related news, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS AWFUL. No picture here.


ISSUE FOUR: THE DREADED CROTCH ROT


Google Alert Says: "Rates of the sexually transmitted disease chlamydia are climbing in the U.S., and rates of syphilis -- once on the verge of elimination -- rose for the seventh consecutive year... Women bear the brunt of both chlamydia and gonorrhea, especially their long-term consequences, CDC officials said. Untreated, both can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease -- an infection of the uterus and fallopian tubes that can cause chronic pain, infertility and life-threatening ectopic pregnancy, or pregnancy outside the uterus."

Who Is Winning: INCONCLUSIVE. When it comes to the Dreaded Crotch Rot, no one wins.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY

As one of the world's leading self-appointed experts on Whether That Is Sexist (spoiler: it is) I am, of course, obligated to spend up to five minutes per day reading headlines and then becoming outraged over them. Then I write things with the phrase "taco farts" in them and post some YouTube clips, and so the world is saved!

Here, dear reader, are some things that have occurred recently, about which one should not make jokes, because that would be terribly insensitive and sexist. Prepare yourself for some somber reflection.


ITEM THE FIRST: Dad accused of selling girl into marriage for cash, beer.

The case started when a Greenfield father reported his 14-year-old daughter as a runaway on Jan. 2. Police now believe the father actually agreed to sell his daughter into marriage to an 18-year-old neighbor, and he wanted the police to help return the girl because he hadn’t been paid.

The agreed-upon price was $16,000 in cash, 150 cases of beer, 150 cases of soda, several cases of meat and two cases of wine.

WHETHER THAT IS SEXIST: Um, yes.

THINGS THAT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE TO SAY: My God! I have a sister!

No, I'm kidding. My dad totally would have held out for some Neil Young tickets. That's how I know he loved me.


ITEM THE SECOND: 22-Year-Old's Virginity Auction Bids Hit $3.7M

Natalie Dylan, a 22-year-old San Diego woman, said she got the idea for the auction after her sister was able to pay for her college education after prostituting herself for three weeks, according to the London Telegraph.

Dylan has a degree in women's studies. She told the paper she hopes to pay for an advanced degree in family and marriage therapy with the proceeds from the auction.

WHETHER THAT IS SEXIST: It depends on what you feel about the roles of agency and choice? Or: the dudes might be sexist, but the lady might only be taking advantage of a world in which sexism is an undeniable factor? She might be colluding, or she might be playing the system, and I don't really know the difference between those two, maybe there is none, but... oh, whatever. It totally is.

THINGS THAT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE TO SAY: When she finds out that this is the only way for a Women's Studies major to make money in anything vaguely related to her studies, she'll probably regret spending it on grad school.


ITEM THE THIRD: This thing:


WHETHER THAT IS SEXIST: The feminists are divided! Ann Bartow writes here that "Obama can greatly advance the status of women during his Presidency, and I very much hope he will. But I don’t remember hearing Barack Obama describe himself as a feminist... symbolically looking to a male superhero to 'rescue' feminism? Very problematic imagery, in my view." Oh, and also there is some stuff about Hillary in there. Megan Carpentier at Jezebel engages in the representation of diversity and the creation of healthy debate by sensitively writing that Ann Bartow has ugly panties.


THINGS THAT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE TO SAY: But wait! Doesn't Barack Obama know that stripping is wrong? Stop objectifying yourself, Mr. President! There is another way!