CHICKS AGAINST DUDES: A Responsible Post

Lest we forget, amid the various personal anecdotes and YouTube clips that are spreading like pinkeye, this is, and will always be, a BLOG ABOUT GENDER. The sexes, they are at war! Yet, as said war wages on, turning bro against bro(ad), too rarely do we stop to reflect: who's winning?

Yeah, yeah, patriarchy hurts everyone, intersectionality of oppressions, blah blah blah, got it. I have a Google alert for the phrase "women than men," people! Time to tally up some scores!

ISSUE ONE: BEING TOTALLY BROKE


Google Alert Says: "The drop in the number of women working so far in this recession is smaller than the decline for men — even when measured in percentage terms — as has been the case in previous recessions."

Who Is Winning: CHICKS. Yay, chicks have jobs! To the broke living in our midst, who are (I have concluded) all dudes, I say: just worry about having dinner on the table and making sure the house is clean, kittens. We'll take care of the rest. Although we may need to rack up some Don-Draper-esque man-mistresses (masters? EW) because you are SUFFOCATING US with your petty domestic concerns.


ISSUE TWO: KEELING OVER STONE DEAD


Google Alert Says: "Women calling 911 with cardiac symptoms took longer than men to get to the hospital after an emergency medical services team had arrived in response to the call, a new study found."

Who Is Winning: DUDES. It's pretty clear-cut: EMTs are watching us die on the floor instead of rushing us to the hospital like our manly counterparts! Oh, there's some bullshit about "symptoms presenting differently," but we all know what's at play here - envy over our BIG FANCY JOBS, WHICH DUDES NO LONGER HAVE. Come on, cupcakes, don't be jealous. What you do is very important. If you define "cleaning bathtubs" as "important," which no-one does.


ISSUE THREE: BEING BASICALLY TORTURED TO DEATH FOR ADULTERY IN A NIGHTMARISHLY OPPRESSIVE REGIME

Google Alert Says: "Men Stoned to Death for Adultery, Murder in Iran."

Who Is Winning: DUDES. It turns out (well, it doesn't "turn out" so much as "confirm what many people, especially feminists, already knew and have been protesting") that "the majority of those sentenced to death by stoning are women. Women are not treated equally with men under the law and by courts, and they are also particularly vulnerable to unfair trials because their higher illiteracy rate makes them more likely to sign confessions to crimes they did not commit." Also, people who are sentenced to death by stoning can be spared if they dig their way out of the holes in which they are buried? And men are buried up to their waists, whereas women are buried up to their necks? And, for women, "adultery" is sometimes defined to include being raped? In related news, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS AWFUL. No picture here.


ISSUE FOUR: THE DREADED CROTCH ROT


Google Alert Says: "Rates of the sexually transmitted disease chlamydia are climbing in the U.S., and rates of syphilis -- once on the verge of elimination -- rose for the seventh consecutive year... Women bear the brunt of both chlamydia and gonorrhea, especially their long-term consequences, CDC officials said. Untreated, both can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease -- an infection of the uterus and fallopian tubes that can cause chronic pain, infertility and life-threatening ectopic pregnancy, or pregnancy outside the uterus."

Who Is Winning: INCONCLUSIVE. When it comes to the Dreaded Crotch Rot, no one wins.

Terrible Things to Do With Your Time

Well, well! It appears that I will have this particular weekend all to myself! There are so many ill-advised actions I could take within this two-day period. Which will I choose?

1) Comparing My Vagina to a Leathery Old Bag

This is the path taken by Paris Hilton, who quoth:

“I’ve only ever done it with a couple of people. People make up stories, but mostly I just kiss. I think it’s important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag - they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive. If you give it up to a guy he won’t respect you. He’ll want you much more if he can’t have you.”

Feministe points out the gross "my vagina, which is an object, is expensive; marriage is the credit card with which you may purchase it" connotations; however, I think it is far more egregious to coyly refer to your vag as A BAG, WHICH BY DEFINITION IS SOMETHING PEOPLE STICK OBJECTS AND/OR THEIR HANDS INTO. This is by far the sluttiest chastity metaphor I've ever read. Personally, my vagina is more like Sparks; maybe it's not all that great, but you'll miss it when it's gone. Also, it will turn your tongue orange. Strange, but true!

2) Having My Soul Devoured by an Undead Babymonster

The Baby Crazy, which is an ill that affects the American Woman Today, and which was recently explored on the factual news documentary program 30 Rock, can drive a woman to do strange and terrible things. Imagine really, really wanting a burrito, but instead of a burrito it is a massive life-long commitment that costs more than you make per year, every year, and also if you don't do everything exactly right in regard to the burrito it will go mad and start killing sex workers because they remind it of you. That is a lot of pressure! Pressure that can drive a woman Crazy enough to purchase terrifyingly dead-eyed "reborn" babies in lieu of actual fleshbabies, as The Sexist points out, in her chilling gallery of same. My favorite is Natasha, who looks (as a wise commenter points out) a lot like Hitler, and also like the zombie child from Dead Alive.

Childbirth: it's like this, but with your vagina.

3) Not Knowing What "Boner" Means

Hahahaha, I'LL JUST BET SHE WOULD. To be fair, Unnamed Fisherdude's Wife has been saying for a while that she wishes her husband would get a Boner, so imagine how thrilled she'll be when she finds out he's ordered this!

4) Listening to This, Then Being Morally Obliged to Burst Out with Random YAA HAAAAA WOOO Noises All Day Long Until I Have No Friends Left

Yep, I think this is what I'm going with. GODDAMITBABYOUKNOWIAINTLYINTOYA, IMONLYGONNATELLYAONETIMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHYYYYYYYYYYAHHHH!!!!!

Wait a Second...

WHAT.

So, for those keeping track, that's Marilyn, Jayne, and Betty (the most shameless, and therefore most lovable one - you've got to like a girl who can fondle a riding crop while smiling like she's in a Sears family portrait) gone. It's weird that people think of '50s porn as cute, harmless "vintage erotica" - like, yeah, right, the porn industry was much less exploitative back when it was RUN BY MOBSTERS - while condemning sex workers who are alive and active today. However, there's no denying that pretty people were prettier back then. There's a reason that Madonna will never be Marilyn, and that Chloe will never be Betty Page. Thank God Mamie van Doren is still around and selling boob prints. When she passes, it will be the end of an age.

I Have a New Favorite Blog

I think “The Hills” actually comes from this weird confusing right wing place where sex is considered degrading to women, because women are giant babies (e.g. Sarah Palin). On one hand, it’s a way to keep the show apolitical and generally appealing (how could Lauren Conrad have a stance on abortion rights when she’s probably so afraid of her nanny-boo-boo she can’t even use an OB, right?), but I think beyond that, the lack of sex is meant to show that these girls are powerful and not complete vacant trash—it’s what keeps them from the world of scorn and ridicule heaped on someone like Paris Hilton. They do everything in the world to not deserve anyone’s respect—they barely work, they don’t contribute anything to society, they can’t even support one another emotionally or care genuinely about other human beings— but they don’t fuck, so they’re instantly classier than any girl who has an actual handle on her sexuality, right? Argh, “classy.” Don’t embrace the concept of “classy”, women of America! “Classy” is your gilded cage! “Classy” means you’re to embarassed too masturbate and even though everyone will praise your restrained brand of personal style, you will go to your grave enraged that your husband fucked Marilyn Monroe. For real, people! Classy is the worst lie!

[Via.]