Last week, on Battlestar Galactica: Baltar confirmed both my weird crush on him and the self-destructive nature thereof by revealing that he had an insane abusive father, then beating the feeble old man with a newspaper, Dying President Laura Roslin revealed that at one point she was super-cute with her sisters and then they all died and she ate the Sushi of Loneliness, and then the world blew up, Acting President Lee Rhymes-With-Obama fell in love with his brother's WIFE, because he is JUST THAT LAME, and also she was Starbuck, Helo revealed that at some point in the future dudes will be nine feet tall and perfect but will be married to robots on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and also the titular Battlestar Galactica (it is a spaceship, you know!) is about to basically fall apart, in space, which is depressing, but since they are all going to pretty much die anyway they are going to go on a mission to rescue Helo & Sharon's daughter which has a 0.0001% chance of success, because... well, because Bill Adama makes really good speeches, often, and all of the major characters, including Caprica Six, were incredibly noble and self-sacrificing and volunteered to join. EXCEPT BALTAR. What a dick.
2:19: Starting with the last five minutes of the cliffhanger: OF COURSE the only President without terminal cancer was the first person to volunteer for the Death Mission. Because he's Lee Adama, people. He is a one-way Lame Train, on the way to Lametown, population: Lame Old Lee. What, it couldn't have been Tigh?
2:22: You know, it strikes me that Gaeta's ex-boyfriend is the only queer person on the show who is not evil? Think about it: the only others were Helena "Rape: It's Interrogation Now!" Cain, and the suicide-bombing Six she was dating, and Felix "The Mutinator" Gaeta. It's the one part of the show I really, really hate. With that said, it's nice to see that Hoshi is just a regular dude who hangs out with Tigh sometimes and spills his coffee. UNLESS IT'S NOT COFFEE.
2:23: THE FINALE BEGINS. And, ha! The lady Baltar was cheating on Six with is totally also the stripper with Tigh in the first scene! So, now we know where Baltar liked to hang out. DICK.
2:31: OK, I just saw Bill Adama puke on himself outside a strip club. My Battlestar Galactica experience is complete.
2:35: Sharon, PERK THE FUCK UP. I mean it. The whole ship is about to get blown up in the name of your demon spawn, so could you maybe stop hysterically weeping for like one second?
2:38: "Thank you, Admiral Hoshi." WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.
2:48: "Congratulations, Mr. President ROMO LAMPKIN." WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT, AGAIN.
2:50: And Baltar is going on the mission! And they gave him a gun! OK, now I'm totally gonna cry.
2:56: Oh, they are having some harsh-ass star wars and explosions up in here. Also, the champagne or whatever? About half-gone. WOOOOOOOOOOO, SPLODEY.
3:00: There is nothing worse than Lee's terrible Space Mullet of Jurisprudence. Not even the lame CGI on the actually-robot-looking Cylons. I bet the 14th Cylon is his hair.
3:02: FUCK BALTAR AND SIX JUST GOT BACK TOGETHER AND REALIZED THEY ARE BOTH HALLUCINATING EACH OTHER AND/OR DATING THEIR MUTUAL HALLUCINATIONS OMG. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I'm so glad none of you are drinking my champagne right now, because THIS IS SUPER.
3:05: Oh, and also Assimilationist Sharon killed Cylon Purist Sharon, and for some reason, even though I kind of disliked both Sharons? This is where I cry, for real.
3:10: Seriously, the actual-robot-Cylons look like an Atari game. This is so disappointing.
3:12: And today, we celebrate the Martyrdom of St. Helo.
3:18: And the Redemption of St. Gaius of Baltar. SO STILL CRYING, Dudes.
3:21: "God's not on any one side. You want to break the cycle? Well, that's in our hands." So saith St. Gaius of Baltar. This is the best.
3:22: Um, yeah, so Gaius Baltar just ended the war? Also, I'm going to the bathroom. Peace.
3:27: "Um, I dunno. It's a lot of complicated technical information." If all science fiction contained sentences like these, I would be a science fiction fan. So: thanks, nerds!
3:29: Ha ha, Tory totally killed Chief's incredibly sucky wife. I was on Tory's side, for the record! Still: WAR ON. Again.
3:35: Oh, and Kara totally killed them all while reciting the lyrics to "All Along the Watchtower." Whatevs. As long as I never have to hear that song again, we're cool!
3:38: Um, SPOILER? They totally teleported back to Caveman Times. With, like, Hoshi and Lampkin. If you find me dead this afternoon? IT IS THE SOUL-CRUSHING LAMENESS THAT HAS KILLED ME. Also, Lee is giving some speech about how "science has failed us and we must start anew." OK, as of now, I promise never to watch science fiction again. This has cured me. It's over.
3:42: You know what, Kara? Your sorrow over your dead Robot husband is nothing, compared to my sorrow over the fact that THE SHOW I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET ALL OF MY NON-NERD FRIENDS INTO FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS IS SUPREMELY NERDY BULLSHIT WITH CAVEMEN IN IT FOR FUCK'S SAKE. I am experiencing disappointment of the most epic variety. FUCK YOU, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. THIS SUCKS.
3:49: It turns out the Dead-Wifed-Galen-Chief-Tyrol founded either Ireland or Nova Scotia. I do not give a shit which it is. If those cavemen don't turn out to have guns for hands, I'm going to implode with self-loathing for even watching this show in the first place.
3:54: OK, whatever, Roslin is totally dead. I'm not made of stone. I'll cry. FOR THE FACT THAT SHE DIED IN THE WORST TV FINALE KNOWN TO MAN OR ROBOT. Even the redemption of Gaius Baltar cannot ease my pain.
3:57: The secret of Lee and Starbuck is that they almost fucked while her husband, his brother, was passed-out drunk in the next room. Then he woke up, then, several years later, he got terribly dead. Then it turned out she was an angel. The End. Where is Baltar? I am sad.
4:06: Helo's not even dead? But, whatever, they've founded the human race, in Africa, I guess, for whatever reason. Baltar is back, and Six is there. If there is any justice any world, we, their half-robot descendants, can work toward a better series finale.
4:09: "You know, I know about farming." OK, that just saved it for me. Good job, show.
4:11: Ha ha, HI, RON MOORE AND BALTAR AND SIX. YOU ALL SUCK. THE END, FOREVER.