Oh, no! The ladies, they're getting drunk! AGAIN!

Guys just aren't into drunk girls

STUDY | Women mistakenly believe men think it's sexy

Oh, dear. It seems that, once again, I may have failed to appeal sexually to each and every member of the male gender. It's not that I'm not trying: I spend several hours of each and every day pondering how best to serve the boner needs of my community. I would not even let the Demon Alcohol pass my lips, did I not believe I served some higher, boner-related purpose by so doing! Yet I seem to have let the boners down. Can you tell me more, Mark J. Konkol of the Chicago Sun-Times?

Attention college girls: Pounding beers to keep up with the cute guy at the bar won't make him want you.

This, based on everything I know, is false. Also, kind of patronizing, in that, "you know, young lady, you may think that you're pleasing that man, but you have failed: let Papa explain" way that media written for young women can so often be. (TIP FOR JOURNALISTS: When writing for an intended audience - say, women, or young people - try not to assume that each and every one of them has some sort of head injury that precludes full adult-level comprehension.) Surely there must be some SCIENCE behind this counter-intuitive claim?

A recent study of college co-eds found women 18 to 25 believe men view excessive drinking as a sexy trait, but they're wrong. Seventy-one percent of women overestimated how many cocktails men would like them to drink on any given occasion, according to a study in Psychology of Addictive Behaviors.

Hurray! It's time to play Where Is The Mysteriously Missing Piece of Information in This Science Report! Again! Here's a hint for you: in studying co-eds, scientists found that women drink too much in order to get laid. They studied co-eds, and have findings about women. What can you add to a group of female students in order to make it a group of co-eds? HINT: It has a penis!

While we're at the business of adding in context, maybe we could address a few more things. Like "drink until she's cute" T-shirts, sold to dudes, or the pressure on young men to drink as part of their performative masculinity, or the fact that people drink to allay anxiety and that young, relatively inexperienced people may specifically experience anxiety about fucking, or the fact that college is an environment where people of both genders are encouraged, even pressured to drink, and where an inability to keep up with one's friends may be a social handicap!

While we're at it, we could even address rape culture. Yes! I said "rape culture!" I felt very '80s for a moment! But what else can you call it? The idea is that women naturally withhold sex, and that men have to wear women down and circumvent their defenses in order to get sex, and therefore you have manuals from seduction-artists-cum-date-rapists encouraging men to fake drinking while women actually get drunk and thereby lower their defenses to The Evil Sex They Would In No Way Consent To While Sober, and therefore men are pressuring women to get drunk, sometimes to the point of incapacitation, in order to have sex with them, even though they (obviously, because this is misogyny we're talking about: the woman you have the most contempt for in this world is the woman you've just fucked) have no respect for women who actually go along with it, and THEREFORE, my friends, THEREFORE, young women who have had men invite them out for drinks and invite them over for drinks and buy them drinks and pressure them to have just one more drink and (in an anecdote that is in NO WAY ABOUT MY OWN LIFE, except that it is: don't judge me) actually physically pour drinks down their throats as a prelude to fucking them might just possibly be under the impression that men are attracted to girls who get drunk.

"The message to college girls is: Hey, your perceptions about what you think men want in a date, a friend or a sexual hookup are not very accurate," said lead author Joseph LaBrie, of Loyola Marymount University. "Guys don't want girls who drink a lot."

Oh. Or we could do nothing to address the role men play in linking drinks with sex with social acceptance in the female mind, and just employ our privilege of retroactively tsk-tsking with no critical examination of the hypocrisy therein. Whatever.