CHICKS VERSUS DUDES: The Se7en People You Meet In Hell

Breaking news from the Vatican: there is "no sexual equality" in Hell! So saith the UK Times ("Sex discrimination is destined to continue in the scorching fires of Hell, according to a study" - I defy you to find me a better lead), quoting an article by the Pope's personal theologian, the curiously named Monsignor Wojciech Giertych, who has looked within the dirty, filthy souls of humanity, and found that women and men sin in entirely different ways! The Seven Deadly Sins, says Father McVowely (respect for other languages: let me show you mine!) break down according to gender - just as God intended. 

Now, the Seven Deadly Sins, as you may know, are a concept invented by the movie Se7en, which happened to star the two most annoying people on Earth: Kevin Spacey and Gwyneth Paltrow. I am assuming that they will both be in Hell with you! So, since Satan is a cranky landlord who won't allow co-ed sleepovers (and is also incredibly specific in his punishments, for some reason) I think it is important to determine the annoying celebrity with whom you will be spending your eternal damnation. I will therefore endeavor to evaluate the gender of each sin, making overtly reductive assertions about each gender as I go, in order to determine your Hellish cohort. That's why I will be going to Hell, in case you wondered.

#1. PRIDE
Well, let's see: since time immemorial, we have been hearing about how women are stupider, weaker, more immoral, and overall just plain ickier than the dudes, who are fabulous, and who should be in charge of everything, forever. Surprisingly, most of the people who espoused these views publicly were, in fact, dudes! Oh, and Camille Paglia, but whatever.

I Say: Dudes, duh.
Vatican Says: Nope! It is the ladies! Apparently we are not sufficiently convinced of how much we suck.

GWYNETH PALTROW SAYS:
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#2. GLUTTONY

Well, I did read that article about how women's weak little brains makes them worse dieters than men. Also, statistics seem to indicate that more women than men are diagnosed obese, for a whole bunch of reasons I don't really care to know because THE THREAT OF OBESITY has always seemed to me like a bunch of judgmental bullshit. Also, people informally diagnose women with "obesity" all the time, should they happen to weigh more than, say, Gwyneth Paltrow. Plus, I really like burritos!

I Say: My love for burritos has tipped the scales and condemned my gender (the lady one, that is) to the blackest reaches of Hell. Is it gross to just eat guacamole with a spoon, you guys?
Vatican Says: Surprise! I may be a glutton, but dudes are even worse!



KEVIN SPACEY SAYS:
Once your soul has been lost to perdition, why don't we have a nice dinner of rats, toads, and snakes to celebrate? We can even catch a movie afterwards. It will be K-PAX. That is how you will know that you are in Hell.

#3. ENVY

Women are continually encouraged to rate themselves against other women, typically in a highly unrealistic manner. After the first 900,000 times you see a half-naked lady with perfect muscle tone, unspeakably gorgeous bone structure, and not a single flaw on any inch of her skin displayed on a magazine cover, billboard, or poster - and absorb the corresponding message that you ought to look like that, and also have a husband and babies, and also have enough money to buy designer goods with which to bedeck your flawless and much-beloved body, if you are to be worth anything at all - envy becomes a pretty natural, if unbecoming, response.

I Say: Chicks, unfortunately.
Vatican Says: Yep, it's chicks. Your environment may conspire to make you feel this way, but if you actually feel this way? You are going straight to Hell.

GWYNETH PALTROW SAYS:
I knew it! You're jealous of me! Fuck you, hater: why don't you chill in this freezing water while I go make sweet, sensuous love to the lead singer of Coldplay? Wait, what do you mean "no-one could ever possibly be jealous of that, hahahahaha?" Stop laughing at me! I'm telling Satan!

#4. LUST

Let us be fair: dudes (the straight ones, anyway) have several entire industries devoted to ensuring their sexual access to women. Strip clubs, porn (not exclusively viewed by dudes! But, yes, usually made for them), prostitution, phone sex... dudes basically get to be pleasured directly or indirectly by women whenever they damn well please. So, already we're looking at a strong imbalance in favor of the dudes. On the other hand, women are probably likely to get really lustful in that backed-up, throw-me-a-bone(r) kind of way, given the fact that we don't have these outlets, so...

I Say: Oh, who am I kidding? Sex is fun for both genders. Hell for everyone, whoopee!
Vatican Says: Nope, it's dudes - probably because ladies only have sex to please their menfolk. Ugh.

KEVIN SPACEY SAYS: Mmmmm, things are getting hot. I'm talking "covered in fire and brimstone for all eternity" hot, baby. What's that? You are uncomfortable with me, Kevin Spacey, talking sexy talk in your ear? Perhaps it reminds you of how creepy I was in my Oscar-winning hit film American Beauty! Here in Hell, we have a special "Spacey cut" that consists only of the scenes of me masturbating while thinking about a high-school student. It is thirty-six hours long. Mmmmmm.

#5. GREED
Well, only 2% of Fortune 500 CEOs are women, women on the whole make about $0.77 for every dollar a man makes, and male-dominated industries tend to be more well-compensated than female-dominated industries. There are two lines of thought on this: that women just don't work hard enough to get paid more (which, while totally untrue, would still seem to paint us as less than greedy, given the not-working-for-more-money angle), or that men are rewarded more than women because they are more highly valued by other men, which makes more sense. Still, the way certain dudes freak out when you suggest evening the playing field seems, to me, pretty darn greedy. So, I think we're in the clear on this one, ladies.

I Say: It's the dudes again.
Vatican Says: The Vatican agrees! Greed is not only male, it is one of the two sins (gluttony being the other) that is not even committed by women. Sweet!


KEVIN SPACEY SAYS: Oh, I'm greedy, all right. Greedy for gold - Oscar gold, that is! And silver, by which I mean the silver screen! Don't worry, though: I never forget to "Pay It Forward." These are just a few of the many puns you will enjoy when boiling in oil for eternity with me, Kevin Spacey.

#6. WRATH
Well: men comprise the majority of convicted murderers. Men comprise the majority of people convicted for armed robbery. Men comprise the majority of people convicted of rape or assault. Men are more likely to physically abuse a partner than women are. Finally, men are socialized to accept their own anger more freely than women, to express it more directly, and to be more comfortable with physical confrontation. This is not to pick on the dudes! I don't know who's actually angrier - I, myself, get angry! Often! I do know, however, that based on societal norms for expressing anger, if a dude says "I'm going to kill you," the chances are statistically higher that you'll wind up, you know, dead.

I Say: Dudes.
Vatican Says: Nope! It is the chicks, again. This teaches us a very important lesson: no matter how uncomfortable with your anger you are, you're never uncomfortable enough for Satan.

GWYNETH PALTROW SAYS: Oh, fabulous! We're going to be dismembered alive together! You know, this is just like when I went on a tour with Mario Battali to sample the various cuisines of Spain! Except, I suppose, no-one got dismembered then. So, really, this is completely different. Don't all these tormenting demons know who I am? I was in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow!

#7. SLOTH

Whatever, I'm tired.

I Say: Zzzzzzzzzzz.
Vatican Says: Dudes. Probably because they are all on the couch watching football while we make them sammiches? Or something? Don't know, don't care, too lazy to find out.


KEVIN SPACEY SAYS: You're in luck! We're about to be thrown into a pit of snakes! And they are all huge Kevin Spacey fans! For them - and you - I'll be re-enacting my role of Lex Luthor in that one really boring Superman movie. Then, I'll reprise my role as a billionaire with a bizarre Southern accent and walrus mustache in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. Now, that would put anyone to sleep.