Zombie Schlafly Arises Through Dark Magic of Google; Is Cranky

It is still totally weird that Obama is President, by the way. We are about a week into it, and I still have these moments where I pause and take a second to realize how weird it is. I think the first of these moments happened when I saw a newspaper refer to "former President George W. Bush," and I was like, shit, former, as in he's gone, as in it's over. I voted for Gore a few months after my eighteenth birthday (and there were people who were mad at me for not voting Nader - in Ohio! - and there were people who were mad at me for voting at all because "the system was broken" - in Ohio!) and I recently read one of my diaries, and it was like, "Gabe says it's too close to call; Florida is still up in the air," and I totally laughed and/or was weirded out because this was written at 7:00 p.m. on Election Night, and also I had never gotten beyond third base when I wrote it, so you can see why I have a hard time believing that the Bush Era, which was the historical context in which I lived basically my entire adult life, is over. It is over, though. I keep looking around and being, like, "this is what America looks like while Obama is President" and then it all looks totally the same and totally different, and then I castigate myself for being a sentimental feeb, and then I go back to feeling like I have slipped into an alternate dimension. Then I wonder: where will I get my rage?

So, good news! There is still a place where Phyllis Schlafly is allowed to publish! I always thought she was "media dead," which is what happens when someone is so irrelevant that when he or she actually dies you are surprised because you thought s/he'd been devoured by sharks or something several decades ago and you just missed it. Nope! Her work is available on a website called HumanEvents.com ("Headquarters of the Conservative Underground!") which is positively swathed in advertisements for Ann Coulter. Did you know that there is a place where you can sign up to "Get Ann's scathing commentary every week?" Well, you do now, suckers. In this week's installment, "Feminists Expect to Cash in With Barack Obama," Phyllis warns that the no-good meddling feminists are asking the President to advance their vile cause!

The groups that elected Barack Obama are poised to cash in on their investment...

... because they, like, BOUGHT HIM. Get it? They BOUGHT HIM? Because he is A BLACK MAN and they are like SLAVE BUYERS who BUY PEOPLE? HUH?

...and the feminists are muscling to be first in line.

... MUSCLING, get it? Because they are MUSCULAR, like MEN? So they are basically NOT REAL WOMEN? Do you SMELL WHAT THE SCHLAFLY IS COOKING, I guess, is what I am asking?

Read on, friends, to discover the terrifying nightmare world we will enter if the feminists get their way! They will:

-- Pass the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act to repeal the statute of limitations and allow women to sue employers for alleged wage discrimination long after bosses are dead and unable to defend their actions.

Suing dead employers for discrimination long after they are unable to come up with stupid rationalizations for said discrimination barring the use of a Ouija board ("T-H-E-Y-M-I-G-H-T-G-E-T-P-R-E-G-S"), and also there is a slight possibility that people will sue discriminatory employers while they are actually alive, and their rationalizations will not matter, because it will be totally illegal! SHRIEK!

-- Direct Equal Employment Opportunity Commission to compare pay scales in job categories held mostly by women or mostly by men, and then enforce wage control to equalize wages according to the feminists' subjective definition of what they call comparable worth.

Eliminating the Pink Collar Ghetto, and making it no longer true that, as more women enter a profession, the wages for said profession tend to get lower, as if by magic! GASP!

-- Appropriate $10 billion annually for daycare, early childhood programs, and grants for infant and toddler care so that mothers can be liberated from caring for their own babies.

Making it possible for women to earn incomes for their families by, for example, publishing columns and books or organizing around the ratification of a constitutional amendment, or even, horror of horrors, becoming attorneys, instead of staying at home taking care of their, oh, let's say, six children! NOOOO!

-- Require insurance companies to cover birth control, require pharmacists to fill contraceptive prescriptions, and remove the age restriction on over-the-counter so-called emergency contraception.

Requiring insurance to cover a recurring health cost for many women, then requiring pharmacists to actually make the medication in question available to people with prescriptions, in spite of the fact that this will totally allow women to avoid getting pregnant and having six children which they would, of course, be morally obliged to stay at home with instead of working! AIEEEEE!

-- Ratify the long-dead Equal Rights Amendment with no time limitation on the process. Ratify the United Nations Treaty on Women (CEDAW), which would make our laws, customs and textbooks subject to supervision and control by a U.N. committee of feminists designated as "experts."

"Ahhhh, my old nemesis, we meet again," you can imagine Schlafly whisper-growling to herself as she types this paragraph. Legislating non-discriminatory treatment of women: it's back, and this time, it's not content with destroying America... it wants THE WORLD.

-- Enact Hate Crimes legislation to cover acts of violence based on the victim's real or perceived gender, sexual orientation or gender identity. Fully fund, expand and aggressively enforce the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), and enact the International VAWA (IVAWA).

So, Phyllis Schlafly has a gay son. Did you know that? Es verdad. Don't be expecting any Heathers-style declarations of love for him in the near future, however. Not even when legislation to punish hate crimes against him (and her daughters, and her!) is passed into law, oh my God, LAWS AGAINST GAY BASHING BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA.

-- Appoint feminists to key positions in all the federal departments and strive for gender balance (i.e., 50 percent feminists) throughout the government. Establish a lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender liaison position in the White House.

Oh, calm down, Phyllis. They've only got to be feminists. Nobody said they had to be girls.

First, Do No Harm. Unless You Feel Like It!

Hey! Who wants to hear some good news? Like, for example, Obama officially becomes President tomorrow, and it's going to be really super inspirational, and when I was at the airport today they were playing one of Martin Luther King, Jr.'s speeches on a TV, and this man of color, I think he was in his mid-twenties, sort of left his post at the coffee stand, where he was working, and sidled up to the TV, and turned it alllll the way up, so that King's voice was ringing throughout the terminal and the man stood there, quietly, very solemn, and I was like, this is history, this is what this particular moment in our history looks like, and I almost cried and vowed to be kinder and more self-vigilant and to expand, consciously, on the amount of work I do to make the world better day to day and... awwww, screw it. I knew I shouldn't have read the news today! What is this crap? 

So, a lady went to the doctor to get the strings on her IUD shortened. The nurse practitioner, AKA Sylvia Olona, AKA Defendant Olona, AKA Nurse Judgington, pulled the damn thing right out. Now, I don't personally know how much it hurts to have a surgically implanted device yanked out of your tender ladyflower, but on the scale of 1 to Like a Motherfucker, I am imagining it rates fairly high. So, that's one strike against Nurse J. 

It gets better! While the defendant was no doubt swearing and clutching her abdomen, Defendant Olona explained, chipperly enough, that "I personally do not like IUDs. I feel they are a type of abortion. I don't know how you feel about abortion, but I am against them." 

"Gee, I'm so happy we've gotten to know each other better, Sylvia. Now, PUT THAT BACK IN MY CROTCH BEFORE I STAB YOU TO DEATH WITH IT," the patient (AKA plaintiff) probably did not say, but should have. Then, Defendant Olona patiently explained that, since her patient's choice of birth control conflicted with her own personal beliefs about what should and should not go in a vagina, she would not be inserting a new IUD. 

Say, guess who can't get fired? Yes, thanks to President "My Name's Ironic, If You're In Third Grade" Bush and his farewell fuck-you to the becervixed population, Plaintiff X can sue Olona and the Rio Rancho Family Health Center all she likes, but the people who (bewilderingly) hired her cannot simply get rid of her because she is a bad nurse and a terrifying person, or the center will risk losing its funding. Want another quote from Defendant Olona? Here you go: 

Defendant Olona stated, 'Everyone in the office always laughs and tells me I pull these out on purpose because I am against them, but it's not true, they accidentally come out when I tug.' 

Ha! Ha! Olona might be intentionally and consciously causing her patients physical and emotional pain due to her unwarranted and reprehensible attempts to control their bodies and deprive them of reproductive choice! Oh, the quirks of modern medical life! Oh, it's just like an episode of Scrubs! Ha! Ha!

Anyway, I have decided that I must be a part of the solution, not simply a person who reports on the problem. Therefore, I have decided upon a course of action that I believe to be one hundred percent effective: I am going to become a surgeon. I only hope that this does not interfere with my religious beliefs of Amputology! 

Yes, it's true, I'm an Amputologist. You see, I believe that long ago, when we were all souls trapped in the Spirit Volcanos of Scalpulon, we were chosen to incarnate upon this earth in order to become wiser and learn to use very sharp knives. Our adversary, Regenerato, believed that our human shells were not fit for this great and terrible knowledge. Therefore, he sends his emissaries, the Starfish People, to deceive us and keep us from using the very sharp knives that are our birthright. The Starfish People look just like us, with one exception: if you cut their limbs off, they will grow right back! It is important to unmask these Starfish People. Therefore, if you ever encounter someone in a very deep, drug-induced state of passivity - like, say, anesthesia induced for the purposes of surgery - you should cut off something of theirs, maybe a finger or a hand, or (if you are really in doubt) a leg or two. If it grows back, you've found a Starfish, which must be destroyed; if not, a sister or brother human, who can sport their human limblessness with deep spiritual pride. 

Now, I know what you are saying: would my Amputologist morals not conflict with my duties as a surgeon? To you, I say: they would not! Oh, there might be some giggles in the break room about my tendency to lop the limbs off my patients, but really, these are my personal morals, which are beyond question, and are also not at all grounds for me to be fired. Anyway, it's not as if I'm taking all of these calves and forearms off on purpose - they just come off when I happen to hack through them with a bone saw! It's all very innocent and religious, as you can plainly see. 

Anyway: me. Medical school. Surgery. It's going to happen. I can't wait to get my first patient! And, Sylvia? If you ever need treatment? I think we can manage to take you on pro bono. 

[UPDATE: Oh, OK, the clinic is not publicly funded, apparently, so they can totally fire her. So I found their phone number and called to see if anyone would tell me how keeping her around fit in with their - totally noble! - mission of providing family planning services to women in their community! I got me a voicemail. So, while you should NOT HARASS FAMILY PLANNING CLINICS BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE YOU A TERRIBLE PERSON, doing a little citizen journalism can be quite enlightening. I guess they just keep her around for laughs! Good to know!]

[Via.]