ADVICE! For Deleted Commenters! Sady the Starfucker Edition

You know, reader, I have not done one of these in a while. The mean anonymous comments have mostly been boring! And I like to dish out my friendly advice to people who are, at the very least, entertaining or innovative in their comment hate. Today, however, ADVICE FOR DELETED COMMENTERS returns! For, of all deleted comments, my favorites are those in which the commenter tries to make it clear that he or she is only insulting me for my own good. I got one of those today! And, believe me: it is epic.

It begins:

One thing even a casual reader will notice is that, Sady is great at tooting her own horn! Yes! She constantly links to her OTHER writings at MORE IMPORTANT websites!

Reader: the post to which Anonymous Angry Commenter #419 (sorry, dudes: if you won't leave your names, I'll have to start numbering you) is responding is entitled "My Raging Narcissism Will Destroy Us All." A joke, of the self-deprecating variety! In that post I also made jokes about how unqualified I was to represent feminism, and about the fact that the interview in question hadn't gotten much traffic.

Let us be clear on this: in a post in which I did nothing but make fun of and/or get down on myself, someone left a comment about what a cocky, self-promoting bitch I am. Apparently, I'm not sufficiently convinced that I and my writing are shit; also, I do the decent thing, which is to try and drive traffic toward sites that are driving traffic toward me, and to let my readers know about the other stuff I am up to. I just don't hate myself enough, is the problem! Fortunately, AAC #419, in the tradition of AACs everywhere, is here to help.

And what do her readers get HERE .. fake interviews with some compatriots instead of original thoughts... reviews of 4 yearold movies! Wow!

Ha ha, yes. Tiger Beatdown, heartless commercial enterprise that it is, is devoted solely to producing marketable posts in order to obtain an optimal number of pageviews; content, style, and principle are irrelevant in my merciless quest for market domination. It is like The Huffington Post, but with fewer naked boobs! (NOTE TO SELF: INCLUDE MORE NAKED BOOBS.) Which is why, last week, I made the ruthlessly commercial decision to stop everything in order to write long, joke-free essays about some obscure movies and tell you about my feelings on a ten-year-old rape case.

You know, some day I'd like to have a "personal blog" where I can write whatever the hell I want, often in direct contradiction to the received wisdom about what makes a commercially viable blog post (short, witty, timely, and controversial are the goals; also, it helps if there are click-through links, polls, and - if possible - naked boobs). But, alas! My days are spent maintaining the corporate media giant that is Tiger Beatdown!

One MIGHT start thinking, well 'tiger beatdown', which sounds like a 60s fanmag to Fabian and Rydell...

Hmm, you're right. "Tiger Beatdown" does sound A LOT like the name of a fan magazine. What an unfortunate and unintended coincidence! Oh, if only I had the on-target pop culture sense of Anonymous Angry Commenter #419.

is just an 'experiment'.. an add on to see if Sady can make it in the world of fem-blogging... hence her slavering delight when Melissa McEwen featured her .

Here we come to my favorite part of the comment: the part where AAC #419 drops any pretense at criticism and just goes straight to the conspiracy theory. The miraculous thing about all this is that AAC #419 is exactly right! Yes, it's true: since being openly, vocally feminist, and taking a hard line on feminist issues, is one of the best - if not the best - methods by which to ensure mainstream acceptance and popularity in our culture, I devised a cunning ruse. I pretended to be feminist, and spent several hours of each and every day researching, thinking about, and writing about feminism, in order to obtain the UNLIMITED FAME AND FORTUNE that I believe to be my birthright.

In truth, of course, feminism could not be less important to me. I mean, women! Who cares? Am I right, fellas? "Sady Doyle," that interminable ranter-on about the ladybusiness, is nothing more than a construct, an elaborate fiction meant to ensure my success. In reality, I am dogged anti-choice advocate and Ohio state Representative John Boehner.

I do apologize, however, for getting excited when Melissa McEwan asked me to do a guest post. As we all know, the appropriate response to learning that someone whose work you have long respected apparently respects your work as well is to retire to one's bedroom and weep for several hours. Afterward, one must mortify one's flesh to atone for the deadly sin of Pride. I recommend hair shirts, or a nice long round of whipping.

but wait ... favoring better gigs for more exposure? Relying on more famous friends? That sounds like the very patriarchy we're all supposed to be fighting! YES! Sady doesnt put her A team material on 'tiger meltdown'.. she has bigger designs.. she wants to MAKE it as a writer .. oh theres patriarchy again ! HIERARCHY!

AIEEEEEEE! My dark secret has been revealed! Yes, if you rearrange the letters in "Tiger Beatdown," they spell VOLDEMOR... wait, WHAT?

That's your problem with me? The fact that I've published elsewhere? The fact that I have friendly relationships with other people who publish? That's it? What the unloving everholy fuck are you thinking?

Oh, wait. I know what you're thinking. I know, because I used to think it too. Because, you see, for as long as I have been writing, I have had people in my life encouraging me to start pitching publications and make a go of the writing. And I said, "no." I said, "I could never do that." I said, "I'm not good enough."

I said this for a variety of reasons, but one of the chief ones, I think, is that I'm a woman. (That is, when I am not Ohio state Representative John Boehner.) Women aren't supposed to like themselves: they're not supposed to like the way they look, they're not supposed to like what they need or how they feel, and they're definitely not supposed to be ambitious in any way or to believe in themselves to the extent that they can pursue the careers of their choice. Writing - which is, basically, the act of conveying what you think, in the belief that other people will want to hear it - is a particularly unladylike act.

But it's OK as long as I don't seem proud of it, right, AAC? It's OK as long as I don't betray the massively unwomanly confidence necessary to talk to people and basically be like, "I think my writing is good enough to appear in your publication." It's OK as long as I'm obscure, unpaid, not valued. That's what purity looks like: doing hours of work for no compensation and never betraying any indication that you're proud of what you do or believe it to be in any way exceptional.

Fuck that. The problem you have, AAC, is not that I'm "patriarchal" or "hierarchical." That's some self-serving bullshit you're ladling out to excuse tearing another woman down in a supremely patriarchal way. The problem, actually, is that you think I don't know my place. The problem, actually, is that I respect myself and other people respect me and I don't feel like pretending that I'm unworthy of respect, not any more.

The thing is, I still do participate in patriarchy, though not in the way you imagine. Since this blog has been getting more traffic, since I've been getting published in places I admire, I've been freaking out, having panic attacks, getting down on myself, telling myself I can't do it or won't do it or don't deserve to do it.

AAC #419, you changed all that. I realize that devaluing myself is a radically un-feminist step, given that my culture already devalues me. I'm a writer. I'm actually a pretty good writer. I'm going to work as hard as I can to write the best stuff that I can, and sometimes I might get compensated to write that work, and you are just going to have to sit there and fucking deal. And occasionally accuse me of PATRIARCHY! when you get really upset.

I do apologize for not putting any "A team" material on the blog, however. To make up for that, here is a picture of Mr. T:

dont post this.

WHOOPS.

I just think you are diluting what talents you have trying to be too many things. I have faults too. But I dont blog them with 40 links to other places.

That's apparently true, AAC. Of course, since you aren't brave enough to leave your name or a trackback, I can't verify that you don't blog your faults; however, you seem to be content with expressing those faults - which are, in order, a tenuous grasp on basic writing skills, deep stupidity, and a belief that women can best serve the feminist cause by hating themselves and/or living in refrigerator boxes underneath the train station - in anonymous comments on other people's blogs. A noble calling!

See! Love ya Sady! Really!

Ha ha, love you too, AAC! Tell you what: why don't you focus on learning to write above a third-grade level? Then maybe you can start publishing, and I can be your very own Famous Friend.